Unanswered [2] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 9

TOEFL, The best things in life do not cost money, agree or disagree


ghafarimahsa 15 / 41  
Jul 25, 2011   #1
Nowadays, no one can neglect the importance of money in life. Having a great deal of money helps you overcome many problems like buying a house and educational tuitions, as well as paying taxes on time. But, the aroused question it is that whether the best things in life cost money or not. I totally believe that the most significant factors in our life do not cost money. There are some reasons due to my preference that are mentioned below.

Growing technology in the world tends people to be busier with earning money. They allot all the time to think about how can their expenses be paid and what is the best way to gain money rapidly. According to the psychologist, money is the first priority for many people nowadays, and this issue makes them be greedy. Based on a research conducted in United Stated, the majority of employees who immerse themselves in making money, have a psychological disorder, and that is due to not being satisfied from their life. The psychologists believe that most of them suffer from emotional problem, and by becoming a rich man they want to pretend being a successful one. Sometime, it is necessary to look back in our life and estimate what have higher preference in our life.

Being relaxed is one of the most important factors in every one life. Although expenditures can creates stress, enough money will never make you relaxed. How much the kindness of a mother cost? Of course, no one can answer this question because the best things which can makes you calm do not cost anything like love, kindness and forgiveness. For example, among the rich people, divorce is more common in comparison with the other levels of society. They believe that by money one can reach everything, but actually real love cannot be achieved by money. And it's the reason that unfaithfulness and infidelity are prevalent there.

To sum up, it is better to look for what are the best things in our life. However money is necessary in our life, it can never be replaced of love and kindness in our life.

jamliu0229 9 / 24  
Jul 26, 2011   #2
Based on a research conducted in United Stated, the majority of employees who immerse themselves in making money, have a psychological disorders , which is due to not satisfied with the present they live .

Money is necessary in our life, however love and kindness can never be replaced by money.
hvthoteen 16 / 44 4  
Jul 26, 2011   #3
"like buying a house and educational tuitions, as well as paying taxes on time": this is not parallel. You should use gerunds only.

"But, the aroused question it is that whether the best things in life cost money or not."--> However, the aroused question is whether the best things in life cost money or not ?

"There are some reasons due to my preference that are mentioned below"
--> reasons for my preference.In this case, the word "that" means "reasons",but the position is wrong. Moreover, you should show your main reasons before ending the introductory paragraph.

"Growing technology in the world tends people to be busier with earning money"--> tends to make people busier ...

"According to the psychologist, money is the first priority for many people nowadays, and this issue makes them be greedy"
--> According to psychologists, nowadays, money is the first priority for many people, which makes them a great deal more greedy.

"who immerse themselves in making money, have a psychological disorder, and that is due to not being satisfied from their life"
--> who immerse themselves in making money have a psychological disorder because they are not satisfied with their lives. This sentence is true in grammar but the argument is not very persuasive :d

"The psychologists believe that most of them suffer from emotional problem, and by becoming a rich man they want to pretend being a successful one"

---> Psychologists believe that most of them suffer from emotional problems. By becoming a rich man, they want to pretend to be a successful one.

Note: i fix this sentence in grammar aspect. However, i do not understand your idea :d

"Sometime, it is necessary to look back in our life and estimate what have higher preference in our life."
---> Sometimes, it is necessary to look back and estimate what has higher preference in our lives.

I think your first paragraph lacks a topic sentence. Moreover, it seems to be irrelevant.

"Although expenditures can creates stress, enough money will never make you relaxed." This sentence is not very clear :d

"How much the kindness of a mother cost?"
---> How much does the kindness of a mother cost ?

"makes "--> make

"However money is necessary in our life, it can never be replaced of love and kindness in our life."
--->Although money is necessary, it can never replace love and kindness in our life.

I advise that you should have a look at the structure of toefl essay and improve your grammar :d
Xray1305 1 / 3  
Jul 26, 2011   #4
The best things in life do not cost money I agree.
OP ghafarimahsa 15 / 41  
Jul 26, 2011   #5
Dear hvthoteen,
I am really thanksful for your corrections, and I'll be so grateful if you could have a look to my other essays too.
I dont have enough time, my TOEFL exam is on 23th September. What shall I do now? Could you please introduce a suitable book to me?

Thank you in advance
hvthoteen 16 / 44 4  
Jul 27, 2011   #6
This book is possible to help you: How to prepare for a toefl essay by Barron
I think you should follow the guideline in the book and read sample essays
I am preparing for my ielts as well. Try together :d
OP ghafarimahsa 15 / 41  
Jul 27, 2011   #7
Thanks Hoang, I wish all the best for you.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,335 129  
Jul 27, 2011   #8
...like buying a house and paying educational tuition, as well as paying taxes on time.

Growing technology in the world causes people to tend to be busier while earning money.

They allot all the time to think about how can their expenses should be paid and...

According to psychologists, money is...

Based on a research study conducted in the United States, the...

How much does the kindness of a mother cost?---Excellent example!

For example, among the rich people, divorce is more common in comparison with the other levels of society. They believe that by spending money one...

can reach everything, but actually real love cannot be achieved by spending money.

:-) I like your ideas! I want to mention that I agree with you, but also I know that without money people often suffer. So, money is important, too! If we lived in the wilderness, survival skills would be meaningful. We live in a society, so the skill necessary to make money is a survival skill.
OP ghafarimahsa 15 / 41  
Aug 11, 2011   #9
Kevin, I am really thankful for your corrections. Besides, your idea is so nice and meaningful. Thanks for all you've done in this site to help people.


Home / Writing Feedback / TOEFL, The best things in life do not cost money, agree or disagree