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IELTS- Best way to improve public health is to improve sports facilities?

tiendh 3 / 4  
Jul 30, 2013   #1
Some people say that the best way to improve public health is by increasing the number of sports facilities. Others, say that this would have little effect on public health and that other measures are required.

Discuss both views and give your opinion.

Following is my essay, please help me check and correct it.

In most countries, public health is a important topic and take deep consideration of society. Some people argue that the best way to improve public health is to increase the number of sports facilities, however, I personally believe that it depends mainly on the consciousness of every citizen.

Advocates of the first view claim that many areas are lacking of sports facilities. In some areas, it is difficult to access these facilities because registration list is full all the time or it is so expensive that people cannot afford. For example, in Vietnam, people with modest salary hardly play tennis as service fee is very high and they have to invest sizable amount of money for accompanied equipments including racquets and balls. Therefore, increasing the facilities quantity will help reduce the service fee, encouraging people to play sports. As a result, the public health will be improved.

However, people with opposition view argue that the most important factor is the consciousness of citizens. It is clear that some people like swimming, playing football or doing gym but some others do not like playing any sports. Increasing the number of facilities therefore only takes effect on self-conscious people. To help inactive people, local governments should have training sessions or education programs to propagate about the benefits of being healthy. Furthermore, sports competitions should be organized annually to encourage playing sport or working out to keep fit. Another factor that is necessary to take into account is the quality of sports facilities. Increasing number of facilities but assuring the quality will result in lacking of player. For this reason, quality assurance process should be clear when building new sports facilities.

In conclusion, although increasing the number of sports facilities is a good measure for improving public health, I think it is better to encourage people to play sports and propagate the benefit of being healthy.
khanhlinhpham 2 / 4 2  
Jul 30, 2013   #2
a important topic => an important topic
are lacking of sports facilities => are lacking in sports facilities
accompanied equipments => accompanied equipment (equipment is an uncountable noun)
opposition view => opposite view
Increasing the number of facilities therefore only takes => Increasing the number of facilities, therefore, only takes
propagate about the benefits => propagate the benefits (no preposition)
In general, your essay is well organised, have a good structure and linking words.

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