To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?
Give your own opinion and examples.
I'm a novice here.
Please help me to revise my IELTS essays.
I will really appreciate it .
Thank you very much : )
It is true that family education plays a significant role in shaping children's personality. While I agree that equipping parents with good parenting skills is practical to lowering juvenile delinquency, I believe that virtuous companions and friends are the best way to deter them from committing crimes.
Undoubtedly, parents should possess fundamental parenting skills to teach their children distinguishing right from wrong, fostering proper moral values, and guaranteeing fairness and justice. Moreover, because children always learn from what their parents do, whether it is good or not, I am definitely convinced that the more positive examples parents impart, the fewer crimes children commit. For instance, the polite children who can yield their seats and join the queue are attributed to the upbringing of civilized parents.
However, the circles of society is a critical factor to affecting behaviors of adolescents.The young often reckon that friendship is important to them, and sometimes even ambitious brotherhood is reduced to criminality due to unconditionally supporting their friends. From my own experience for instance, poor store performance led my well-mannered cousins to embezzle money to help his best friend, for which he ultimately spent one year in jail.
In conclusion, while bad upbringing will cause youth crime, in my opinion, bad company is the main culprit of juvenile delinquency over parenting. Adolescents sometimes go astray because of so-called friendship. However, while I don't deny the important of friendship, we should recognize that to watch the friends we keep is more significant.
MingChin, your discussion in this essay is partially correct. The reason that I say it is partially correct is because you are still on point with your reasoning although, your response to the task is incorrect. Why is it incorrect? Let's outline it for a clearer picture:
Question: To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?
Wrong Response: I believe that virtuous companions and friends are the best way to deter them from committing crimes.
Correct Response: I am definitely convinced ...
See what I mean? You had the correct idea, just in the wrong place within the essay. Always make sure that you provide the correct response within the paraphrased paragraph because that is where it will most help your score in terms of TA considerations.
Now, the next problem with your essay is that the example that you used in reference to your cousins isn't really complete in discussion and presentation. The point of that example was not made clear to the reader. How does this example relate to parenting lessons? There is no clear connection between your example and the prompt topic.
You have a pretty good idea with regards to discussion presentations. What you need to work on at this point is your understanding of the prompt requirements and how to present your response in a manner that reflects the prompt requirements. Seeing how well you can understand the English language and how you can use it to a great extent in your writing, you should be able to correct that problem with your succeeding essays.
Iam impressed with your good control of English. However, I have a few advise to your writing.
To make your essay more organized, especially in writing the body paragraph where you explain your arguments, you can use this one of potential ways:
*main point 1
*main point 2