Unanswered [5] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 3

'Better a job with more vacation time but a low salary' - essay


robust 2 / 4  
Feb 20, 2012   #1
a job with more vacation time but a low salary is better than a job with a high salary but less vacation time
Admittedly, a job with more vacation time but a low salary can not satisfy our desire to the luxury, and may make us less competitive and more sluggish. However, more vacation time make it possible for us to enhance the relationship with families and friends, improve the work efficiency and keep healthy.

Firstly, the relationship between us and families and friends will be much closer when we have more time to accompany them. On one hand, spending more time with parents and have a chalk with them,enjoying a sunshine afternoon, they may feel less lonely and we can get some good advices from them at the same time. As for children, they always encounter some trouble and confusion. Then we are there waiting for helping them and encourage them to make a right choice. The gap is bridged gradually. On the other hand, spending some time with our friends,such as taking part in some parties, commenting the latest news ,talking about the weather and etc, we will have a joy day. The relationship will become intimate naturally. On the contrary, if we work too much time, because of the work pressures, we lose temper easily. It destroys the harmony of family and hurt our friends' emotion. Thus, leaving more vacation time for us to handle the relationship well is a wisdom choice.

The advantage above alone, however, may not fully show the more vacation time is better than less vacation time. The work efficiency is increased is another advantage that more vacation time can bring us. On the vacation time, we can have a trip to experience the different culture and learn the advanced technology. During the journey, our horizon will be broadened and our knowledge will be updated. In a relative less intensive atmosphere, it is likely to stimulate our creativity and inspiration. These changes all improve our work efficiency. Without vacation time, our brain will be full of ideas that are out of the date. Just like an old saying: only work no play makes Jack a dull boy.

Although the two advantages I mentioned above are convincing, perhaps the primary one is benefit of our physical and mental health. Not only can we have time to cook a nutritious and delicious meal for ourselves but can do a regular exercise, say swimming, playing basketball, doing yoga and etc which boost our immunity. In addition, we have time to do something we really interested. It makes us keep a relaxed and delighted mood. Nevertheless, we will feel tired and tedious if we work too long. We can't get enough rest time even can't have a regular sleep. In order to have more working time, people always eating in a hurry or just eating fast food. It increases the possibility of getting stomach and intestinal problems.

From what has been discussed above, I think it would be better to choose a job with more vacation time but a low salary.

Jennyflower81 - / 690 96  
Feb 20, 2012   #2
Hello :) Nice job with your essay! I can help with your introduction:

Admittedly, a low salary job with more vacation time but a low salarycannot satisfy our desire to thefor luxury, and it may make us less competitive and more sluggish. However, more vacation time can make it possible for us to enhance theour relationship with family and friends, and improve the work efficiency and keephealth .

I would try to strengthen your intro with a statement about the natural desire for a large salary, but the need for time off is just as important-- therefore a person must choose which they value more. Then continue with these notions above. These sentences should be simplified, because they sound "wordy."

Continue to work on your grammar. Good luck in school :)
byeung1489 4 / 10  
Feb 20, 2012   #3
It's a good topic, but are you writing for admissions? Because, the paper did not tell much about you.

The last paragraph can be reworded. It sound a bit too wordy.

The advantage above alone, however, maycannotnot fullyshowdeterminethe more vacation time is better.than less vacation time.However,The work efficiency is proven to increasedisanother advantage thatwhen more vacation time can bring usis offered to employees, because it reflects positively to employees mental state. .On theDuring vacation time, we can have a trip to experience the different culture and learn the advanced technology.

You should read it aloud to see the grammar problems.
The ending was not strong...( You should try to think it as you are selling it to another person about your idea)
Also, be clear about what person want to use, first, second, or third)


Home / Writing Feedback / 'Better a job with more vacation time but a low salary' - essay