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IS IT BETTER TO HAVE A LONGER LIFE AND HIGH LIFE EXPECTANCY?


monica0407 3 / 4 1  
Jul 21, 2020   #1

a longer life and higher life expectancy



One of the consequences of medical care is that people are living longer and life expectancy is increasing. Do you think the advantages of this development outweigh the disavantages? (WRITTING TASK 2)

A longer life and higher life expectancy are acknowledge as a result of a development in the medical care. Although this improvement has its benefits, I believe that its disadvantages could be more important.

On the one hand, a longer life could be a chance for the old to enjoy the rest of their life with their family. They could spend more time to do things that they have not done in their adulthood. For example, adults usually struggle to earn money and work hard to get success, so they could miss some experiences such as travelling or learing some instrument. Because of that, living longer will help them finish their wishes.

On the other hand, I think this improvement in the health care will lead to some negative impacts. Firstly, retired people could be feel lonely between their family members because those members also struggle to make earnings as the old before. They also could be a burden if they have health problems and need to be looked after to recover. Secondly, they could become a social problem due to the higher life expectancy. The population will be aged, which leads to the loss of human resoures. For instance, some countries now are being in the face of lacking of human resources because of the great number of people retired.

In conclusion, even though living longer and having a healthy life expectancy can make the elderly happier, its negative impacts on family members and society should not be underestimated.

dinhquynhmai 3 / 5 4  
Jul 21, 2020   #2
Hi. There are some problems in your essay from my point of view.
1. Intro:
+ should be "acknowledged"
+ You should have a general statement that hooks reader before jumping into issue.
2. Development:
+ "For example, adults...": "adults" should be "the young" to make contrast.
+ In each particular period, people have particular desires. I mean "travelling" or "learning instrument" are not suitable for the old due to their aging brain and body. You can change the idea into something more suitable with the old.

+ "I think" should be "I believe" or "I suppose".
+ I understand your first idea in your "negative part" but you should express it by clearer sentence. I mean you should choose the other words or seperate your sentence.

+ Varied structure should be used in your essay instead of SVO sentence. Almost sentences in your essay are SVO.
+ You should find out some synonyms of "living longer" instead of repeating it many times.
These are my personal comments on your writilting. I am just a student, not master. Thus maybe I am wrong in something.
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 10,301 3344  
Jul 22, 2020   #3
You should try to change the words used in your prompt restatement from the original. If the original says "medical care", then you should say "healthcare advancement" or any word or set of words that indicate the meaning of the original word or words used. Always provide the minimum 3 sentence word count for the restatement sections, those are the introduction and concluding summary. Aim to write at least 275 words so that you can really show off your writing abilities and English word knowledge. You are shortchanging yourself by writing only the minimum word count. If you aim only for the minimum word count, then you are aiming only for a minimal score on your essay. I am sure you don't want that right? Try your best to write at least 275 words, or up to 290 words for a better scoring chance.

This is actually a disproving discussion essay. Let me explain what disproving means before I proceed with my explanation of how to approach this type of essay next time.

Disproving - to prove (an assertion, claim, etc.) to be false or wrong; refute; invalidate:

So the format for each reasoning paragraph should be:
- Advantage claim
- Explanation of advantage claim
- Reason why you believe this is a disadvantage
- Example to prove your claim
- Supporting explanation for the example

Do that twice in the essay to represent 2 disproved advantage claims. That is the most effective format to use when writing an A/D essay.

Your conclusion is not effective as it is neither a conclusion summary nor a continued discussion of the topic. You should focus on learning how to develop a reverse paraphrase in this instance that allows you summarize all of the discussion points you previously presented in the essay.


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