Hello everyone at EF,
I hope this finds you well. I would like your help with the essay below. I am supposed to write a one-page essay with the story of my life and how I got to the university I applied and got accepted to. Please give me your sincere comments.
Also, I think this will inspire a few to go out there and seek your dreams, get an education, and not let anyone stop you from doing so. :-) So even if you don't want to edit, just read for your enjoyment.
Thank you!
Beginning:
On May 12, 2016, I walked across a stage at the Fort Lauderdale Convention Center to receive my Associate's Degree diploma from Broward College. I wore my aerospace decorated cap with the words "limitless dreamer" and "faith" written on it, words that have gotten me to never give up and to dream of the impossible, words that brought me here to Georgia Institute of Technology.
I grew up in Bogota, Colombia with my mother and siblings. She was struggling financially to keep us afloat, so she came to the United States in search of a better life. I joined middle school right away and often helped my mother at night by cleaning office buildings, changing out trash bags as she vacuumed the carpet floors. Work gave me freedom and responsibility, and I continued to work during high school at the mall as a sales clerk. By my high school graduation in 2009, I had acquired a Bright Futures Scholarship, a 3.8 GPA, and was enrolled in college in a dual-enrollment program. However, not being a permanent resident impeded me from continuing my education. We did not know about loans or scholarships, as I was the first in my family to go to college. My dream of learning was put on pause.
The next four years were a true test for me. I left my childhood home, searching for my independence and a way to make money. I rented an apartment and worked several jobs; at one point, I worked as a server, a hotel clerk, and as a property manager. Continuing to work taught me how to become a leader. On a summer day on July of 2013, I received my permanent resident card in the mail, jumping and crying out of joy as I held the card with my hands. "I can go to school now!" I said. Holding on to my dream of learning motivated me to apply to Broward College, and for the next two and a half years, I sat in the front row of every class, got to know each and every professor, scored A's in every course, and maintained a 4.0 GPA. My biggest accomplishment however was leading a math study group, where students helped each other through the Calculus sequence and Differential Equations, and where I inspired classmates to dream big and to seek a better education in better universities.
I have dreams and visions of becoming an astronaut, someone that inspires people to seek higher heights and not conform with the way things are. My dream led me to choose aerospace engineering to fulfill my passion and curiosity for STEM, flight, and space exploration. At Georgia Tech I will surround myself with philosophers, scientists, thinkers, leaders, dreamers, and creators, people who invent and want to make the world a better place. I want to be one of those students someday.
As a first-generation gay Latino, a minority within a minority, I am certain that there is more to my life; I have the same opportunities as the leaders in the world; I am unique. Everyone around me believes in my potential including my Calculus professor, Sharon Kobrin, who once said, "You are an ambassador of persistence and success." As I pack my bags to leave for Atlanta, I remind myself of what the past has taught me: It is never too late to pursue a dream, and I want to share this philosophy with others who grew up without a dream. I will give my best effort and dedicate my time at Georgia Tech to learning. Thank you for giving me this opportunity to better myself, for the possibility of buying my mother a house on the beach where she can live without financial worry and to fulfill her request: "Son, when you get to space, tell me the color of the stars."
Juan, every time I read your essay, although mostly I did not put my comments, I find a pleasure with your stories. You did not give the reader a so-so storytelling, you gave us a remarkable story to remember. The story is explained coherently, and properly. I even still remember the point from one of your essay about how you propose a degree and its contribution toward your careers and goals. To improve the above essay better, you may consider the following thoughts of mine:
"I grew up in Bogota, Colombia,(a comma will make this sentence better) with my mother and siblings."
In the third paragraph, you start it with a statement that the later four years was your difficult time. However, you did not explain this in the whole paragraph; you started another new idea (stated that you got a good news) immediately. I think you should write more about your struggle during the difficult times and conclude it with the good things that you got later (or even you can continue to write this in a new paragraph, perhaps?).
That's all from me Juan, I am looking forward to reading your next essay. If you want to make a compilation of success story in a book, would you mind to give us, as a big family of EF, a spoiler or even a draft of your book? :D
Hi Juan,
thank you for sharing the story of your life in this essay. It is indeed an inspiration towards success, especially for those who have to struggle in order to obtain better education.
Your writing is quite impressive, I can see that you have a relatively wide range of vocabulary. I think you should add another paragraph to conclude or summarize your essay at the end or improve your last paragraph into a conclusion one.
I hope my suggestions could help you.
Best Regards,
Fatma
