Unanswered [1] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 4

It's better to have peace than prevailing war


niesaysi 16 / 284 83  
Feb 28, 2011   #1
Every corner of the world, there are trouble, misunderstanding, and war. There are nuclear bombs explode and kill a thousands of innocent people. Those people wish to live with peace and solidarity because, in that way, man can obtain the aim to live and start a new life. War between two and more countries is not the essential way to maintain the understanding of everyone, it is preparing of destroying creations of God, not only man but other living and nonliving things are pathetically killed and ended life without knowing what are happening. Some countries in Asian part, therein, war is usually occurred because of sovereignty, and extension of territory. In addition, land power and illegal way of capturing a territory are constantly serve as prior to their goal in targeting one country which is infirm and has no capability to fight against. They colonize it making as a state, that is a form of colonization. War is still a war. It starts with small and comes big when it is over, resulting into worldwide war. World war is the most fearful things to be happened because it is a joint of all the countries dividing the power according to group they want to affiliate. Sky wars, sea wars, and land wars are formed if it is absolutely happened. Like the war movies we have watched out, people tend to hide, run, beg and cry- emotionally mixed. As the bombs fall down, and explode people horribly, millions are lying in the lands, bloody, trying to move up, pushing hands up, and creeping through someone also full of blood compressing the red hands just insist to hold each other before eyes will close and left a message of goodbye. War ends many life- a life God is given to us.

Let yourself notice the blue sky. How good to see the reflection of peace mingle with fresh air to breathe, right of being free. Sunlight gives the world bright to actual see beautiful things it have. The cleanliness of water and flow to its destination. That is life. Nature reflects our life including the word of peace.

miar10 1 / 3  
Feb 28, 2011   #2
*there IS trouble
*nuclear bombs THAT
*war between two OR more
*starts small and BECOMES big when its over
*world was is THE most fearful thing TO happen
m00ny 2 / 20  
Feb 28, 2011   #3
Ok, you have some grammar and tense errors, but nothing serious. Check following sentences:

There are nuclear bombs explode and kill a thousands of innocent people. You're generalizing. It's true that nuclear bomb was used, but (as far as I know) only twice. Instead of "there are" and "they kill", maybe try to point out that even nuclear bombs have been used?

Those people wish to live with peace and solidarity because, in that way, man can obtain the aim to live and start a new life... in that way, man one can obtain ..

War between two and more countries is not the essential way to maintain the understanding of everyone, it is preparing of destroying creations of God, not only man but other living and nonliving things are pathetically killed and ended life without knowing what are happening.it is preparing of destroying ... it's the beginning of destroying God's creations . Also, if you mentioned living and non-living things, then use verb for non-living things: destroyed/ruined/blown up/wiped out ... other living and non-living things are pathetically killed or destroyed without ...

Sky wars, sea wars, and land wars are formed if it is absolutely happened. What is the purpose of this sentence?

Think about adding pro/con text to essay, change the ending, do it more "non-poem" style.
kgw 2 / 2  
Feb 28, 2011   #4
Long sentences are long. Try breaking down your ideas into more swallowable bits. Once you broach the 20 word mark, your sentences can strain the reader. Remember: short, precise, and concise.

As the bombs fall down, and explode people horribly, millions are lying in the lands, bloody, trying to move up, pushing hands up, and creeping through someone also full of blood compressing the red hands just insist to hold each other before eyes will close and left a message of goodbye.

This clearly is a vivid moment; express it with color. A bomb falling down is nothing to bombs smattering a rocky terrain -- make your readers feel it.


Home / Writing Feedback / It's better to have peace than prevailing war