school uniforms are beneficial
Some people believe that wearing a school uniform is an old-fashioned and conservative school policy to restrict students' rights to express themselves. However, as I experienced in my childhood, I can say that school uniforms are beneficial for not only students but also their parents and school. Therefore, I insist that wearing school uniforms is necessary for students, especially teenagers.
First, when students wear school uniforms instead of their outfit, they can save their time and efforts for their clothes. For instance, every morning, teenagers tend to spend a lot of time in front of their mirror to try make themselves look better than yesterday. It is a critical factor to their confidence for the day. If students wear school uniforms, they don't need to worry about what to wear every day. They don't need many clothes for the whole week. It means that they can save their money, too!
Next, wearing school uniforms can solve the problems related to income inequality. Teenagers are sensitive to what they look like and prefer to dress in trend, because they feel comfortable with a similar look to their friends. On the other hand, some students who are in low income family wear the same cloth for a long period because they don't have many clothes. If school uniforms become a school policy, this uncomfortable problem will be solved.
Finally, students feel freer from peer pressure when they wear school uniforms. Teenagers pay attention to other's fashion style. Some students who do not dress themselves decently, can be a target of judgment from others or get a stigma as a fashion loser. In this point, students can feel peer pressure from each other, even though no one directly pointed out or expressed rude gesture. Peer pressure is one of the most severe reasons that students avoid school and classmates. Wearing a school uniform can prevent this problem and make students feel unity as members of the same school.
For these reasons, I firmly convinced that wearing school uniforms is a great advantage for all: students, parents, and school. We should try our best to provide comfortable environments for our students who are struggling and going through it. Let's make the right decision. We can prepare ourselves for this brilliant new school policy. Finally, the students who wear their new school uniforms, might be excited with this change in their school life.
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Here is the thing, you only have 40 minutes to complete this essay presentation. So you should be focused on a quick but detailed explanation. That would take anywhere from 275-290 words to complete within the given time frame. You wrote 398 words for this essay. While your explanations are extremely detailed and, I applaud you for using 5 paragraphs to explain instead of the expected 4 paragraphs, you don't really follow the format for the discussion paragraphs.
Unless you are asked to discuss both points of view and offer a personal opinion, you should limit yourself to only 4 paragraphs for the essay. That means you will use:
- 1 opening paraphrase
- 2 separate reasoning paragraph topics and explanations
- One summary discussion / concluding paragraph.
Your opening paraphrase could use some shortening. It is over presented. You always have to keep the time constraint in mind otherwise you will run out of time to properly format your presentation. A quicker way of rephrasing would have been:
Secondary school students find themselves required to wear the same attire at some educational institutions. Other academies prefer that their students be given the freedom to choose their style of dress. I believe that the latter is the better of the two learning institution regulations. I base this choice on my personal experience as a high school student.
The clarity of your presentation will be helped by using topic sentences at the start instead of numerical representations. Also, your cohesiveness would have been boosted had you used just the 2 related reasons from the first reasoning paragraph. By presenting the 2 related reasons as fully developed individual paragraphs, the essay would have scored highly in the C&C and GRA section. Your over writing did not help your score in this instance. Unless otherwise stated, you should stick to the 4 paragraph format just so you won't run out of time while writing, editing, and finalizing your presentation.
While other tutors will tell you to just keep on writing to score higher, I would caution against it. Mostly because that practice is focused on increasing the LR score when there should be an overall increased scoring focus in the essay. So limiting the vocabulary to words you are comfortable using, and which you can use properly in a sentence to convey the true meaning of your paragraphs, will actually be of more service to your essay. Clarity and coherence, along with proper formatting through the use of correct punctuation marks and mixed sentence writing are what will help you pass the test. Not the number of reasons which are not properly explained, not the increased number of words.
Good discussion though. You just had some major formatting problems that pulled back the potential of your essay to meet its maximum scoring potential.