Hi everyone, this is the first time I post my essay on this page, I really hope to receive help from someone. Thank you so much :))
collecting money from a job or focusing only on studying?
Topic: Some suggest that young people should take a job for a few years between school and university
Discuss what the advantages and disadvantages might be for people who do this.
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience
Answer:
It is a big argument between have a part-time job while study at university or not. I think it is not necessary to take a job when we are studying.
On the one hand, you will have more experience when working for a company or store,.. it will make you more mature and adapt to society easily when you graduate. It would be better if you have a work relates with you major what you're learning at college, as a result, your knowledge will expand and understand deeply what you learn not just theory, Furthermore, we can earn money from jobs. This money really useful for tuition fee, buy what we need. Especially we know more about the value of money and have more responsibility for using these. With a job, you can extend your relationship. It will have positive impacts on your future if you do with the right way.
Everything always has 2 sides to it. Besides the advantages. It has some disadvantages we need to considerate. If you have a job, it means you need to spend a lot of time on this. Besides, you are a student in university, you come up against learning. It requires time and concentration to have a good result. Instead of working why don't you think about to join some communities to develop yourself and focus on learning to have a scholarship and an excellent certificate after graduated.
In conclusion, while we study at university, it would be better for spend time learning or others thing than working.
Thank you so much : ))@lehuuquyen
Hi! Your language is neat but I have a few suggestions.
1. Make sure that the content of your essay is relevant to the prompt. You wrote about "taking a job when we are studying", while the topic should be whether to "take a job for a few years between school and university" (in other words, whether to work for some years after you graduate from senior high and before you enter uni".
2. Focus on one or two ideas and explain them with more sentences. The first sentence of your second paragraph, for example, is about becoming more mature by working in a store. Your essay's logical line will be more clear if you could add a few sentences, explaining why working in a shop and having more experience would make a person more mature. My revision:
First, taking a job would help young people gain social experience. For example, high school graduates who work in a shop have to interact with customers with different occupations and social status. Exposed to a wide variety of people, these teenagers would have a more in-depth understanding of society before they enter university. They are thus likely to have better inter-personal communication skills and adapt to society easily.
3. You should add one or two examples from your own example, as is required in the topic.
Keep up and good luck :)
Holt Educational Consultant - / 14,835 
4783 Le, your response to the task does not respond to the discussion being asked. Your opening paraphrase is also incomplete as you are not introducing the reader to the discussion topic and reason for the discussion. What you did was a prompt deviation as evidenced by the following error:
Instruction: Discuss what the advantages and disadvantages might be for people who do this.
Response: I think it is not necessary to take a job when we are studying.
This is a comparison essay, not a single opinion discussion. It must discuss:
1. Advantages
2. Disadvantages
3. Justifications / examples
Each paragraph should refer to 2 reasons which can be merged into a completed 5 sentence discussion. For example:
There are two advantages that can be experienced by people who work before attending college. A person can gain intellectual maturity during this period of time because he will most likely be working in a line of work that is of interest to him or is related to his potential college major. By experiencing the work before deciding on a major, the future student will be able to decide whether or not he actually wants to pursue this line of study in relation to a future career. This intellectual maturity allows the student the student an opportunity to truly consider his college degree options, without having to change majors as a currently enrolled student. He may opt to change his college major prior to actually beginning his formal academic lessons in the university.
In as much as the above is a strong advantage, there is also a considerable disadvantage to working between studies. That is, the student, who will be earning a salary may decide to keep delaying his college studies. Eventually he may decide to not go to college anymore. In which case, he limits his professional growth and chances for job promotions and other career related advancements.
You do not need to present a series of advantages or disadvantages, you need to present connected discussions of the reasons as I did above. Only by presenting a comprehensive discussion, that connects 2 reasons in one fluid discussion can you truly represent proper advantages and disadvantages in an essay.
Please practice developing your opening paraphrase and concluding summary in 3-5 sentences. You can read other samples here to help you learn how to do that. The 3-5 sentence structure is the best chance you have of gaining a better C7C and GRA score.
@TriceLiu I really thanks for your help. I read it carefully. You gave me some words to describe my ideas which I have not figured out before. Thank you again !!!
@Holt Thank you so much. I realise I get troubles with basic mistakes. I am going to practise more. Thanks your help again :))
