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'bigger market'; Live in small town or live in a big city? ; IELTS


malhamed 9 / 19  
Apr 6, 2013   #1
hi there, i know this one is short but i was trying to make good sentences in a shorter time >>> i rewrote the introduction because i thought more to enhance it so please tel me which one is better and the there any comments..

Some people prefer to live in small town. Others prefer to live in a big city. Which place would you prefer to live in? Use specific reasons and details to support your answer.

One of the most important decisions that human have to take is to choose his living place, where he can feel more comfortable. It is argued that people opt to live in big cities rather that small town or villages. Personally, I think settling down in a modern big city is more beneficial. Through my essay I will analyze one of the most important reasons which is chance of having a better career.

Big cities have a bigger market, wider commercial area and thus better work opportunities. For example, one of my friends who was living in a village in Saudi Arabia, had a good voice and was singing in wedding parties. But when he moved to the capital Riyadh he published his first song album in only 1.5 years. From this example we can see that there are more activities in cities that help people to expose their gifts. It is clear from the example that we can have better opportunities in big cities.

In a nutshell, I am positive that living in a big city will allow me to have a better work chances. And I believe that many people will move to big cities for the same reason.

this is another introduction tell me if it is better??
Selecting a comfortable living place is one of the most crucial decisions in one's life. It is argued that people opt to live in big cities rather that small town or villages. Personally, I prefer to settle down in a modern city as it is more beneficial. Through this essay it will be proven that living in big cities is more desirable by analyzing how it can help building a successful career.

dumi 1 / 6,933 1592  
Apr 6, 2013   #2
One of the most important decisions thathumans have to take is to choose his living place, where he can feel more comfortable.

human has to make / humans have to make

It is argued that people opt to live in big cities rather that small town or villages.

... this slightly deviates from your topic. It does not say that people prefer living in big cities over small towns. What it says is that some love to live in cities while some prefer small towns. It is important that you always go with your topic keeping a proper alignment. If you interpret your topic differently, then you would be in trouble.

Big cities have a bigger market, wider commercial area and thus better work opportunities. For example, one of my friends who was living in a village in Saudi Arabia, had a good voice and was singing in wedding parties. But when he moved to the capital Riyadh he published his first song album in only 1.5 years. From this example we can see that there are more activities in cities that help people toexpose their giftsexplore and grab opportunities. It is clear from the example that we can have better opportunities in big cities .

... this is a fine reason and very good example. The last sentence is a repetition of the same idea again. Avoid repetition.
However, as you already mentioned this is too short and you need to have a minimum word count requirement. Also, your essay should contain two body paras and this has got only one.
OP malhamed 9 / 19  
Apr 7, 2013   #3
yes dumi i understood the meaning but i tryed to say by this (It is argued that people opt to live in big cities rather that small town or villages.) is that :

the fact is that people like living in big cities not the other way around
so i was trying to state my opinion about what people choice is and the i spoke about what i would like

so was it clear from what i wrote ???
dumi 1 / 6,933 1592  
Apr 7, 2013   #4
I understand what you mean, but it is better that you follow the right structure for this task and keep your writing aligned with your topic always. In the introduction, first introduce your topic ( generally it is this argument and therefore you need to tell the reader about both sides of it). Then state your opinion. That sounds more neat and tidy :D

More than everything, your writing should not go out of topic and you need to align everything you write with your topic.
You can write well. Pay more attention to your structure. Make sure your essay carries Introduction, 2 body paras (at least), Conclusion. :)
xucoi 14 / 41 10  
Apr 7, 2013   #5
Hi malhamed. Hi Dumi, Here is some my suggestions.

this is another introduction tell me if it is better??

I

Selecting a comfortable living place is one of the most crucial decisions in one's life. It is argued that people opt to live in big cities rather that in small towns or villages. Personally, I prefer to settle down in a modern city as it is more beneficial. Through this essay the following reason will prove that living in big cities is more desirable by analyzing how it can help building a successful career.

One of the most important decisions that human have to take is to choose his living place, where he can feel more comfortable

Take is transitive verb. When you talk the sentence "human have to take" there are something that is unpleasant.
Hope it would be useful for you :D
christyzhongs 7 / 21 1  
Apr 7, 2013   #6
Hi, Malhamed, I agree with dumi that for IELTS essay, you need to write the required words(no less than 250 words), you essay is 201 words. You would be lost your score on this.

besides, you would better provide more supported points for your opnion. or you can write sth about the oppsite.
xucoi 14 / 41 10  
Apr 7, 2013   #7
:O what do you mean unpleasant???

I mean i feel that your sentence is not compatible :)). Sorry because of this mistake :D


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