Unanswered [5] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 3

Bill Gates - how do you stop deadly disease that spread by mosquitos?


Hujjatul19 45 / 70 3  
Sep 15, 2016   #1
Summery TED _ Bill Gates - Mosquitos, malaria and education

Bill Gates' speech focused on two different questions; how do you stop deadly disease that spread by mosquitos? and how do you make a teacher great?

The deadly disease, in this case is malaria had been a phenomenal case over the world. Then people in the past use tools to eraducate it such as bed net, quinine treatment for the patients and kill the mosquitos. As a result, the number of malaria patients went down. Most of infected countries had recovered. However, there are still numerous countries had the disease. What should be done is involving everyone who is expert in their field to make a change.

On the other case, a conducted reasearch proves that those great teachers are not because of their master degree but their past experience. KIP (Knowledge is Power), a school that has great teachers. They points are those teachers are being very active, they perticipate each students and personnel system. KIP teachers have target, measure their skill and criticize their work each other regularly.

The point is gathering people to work together and the solution is on progress.

justivy03 - / 2,366 607  
Sep 15, 2016   #2
Hi Husnul, as soon as I started reviewing your essay, I noticed your quick note on the proper placement of punctuation marks and I'm quiet surprise as most of the writers tend to forget this minor details and I must tell you, as much minor this details are, they are important in completing you sentence and it will have an overall impact in your essay.

However, I believe the essay can still be enhanced, having said that, below are my thoughts;

- that is spread by mosquitos?, and how do ...

- On the other casehand ,
- a conducted research conducted proves that
- those great teachers are not because
- of their masters degree but their past experience.
- TheyThe key points areis thatthose teachers
- are beingsupposed to be very active,
- they perticipatecan ask each students
- and personnel to participate in the system.
- KIP teachers have a target,
- measure their skill and criticize their work each others work regularly.
- The point is gathering people to work together and the solution is ontowards progress.

There you have it Husnul, I hope the above remarks are helpful and for future writing reference, mind the words and its form when you associate them in your sentences. It would also help if you read your sentences aloud as this will tell you if something sounds off, then you definitely need to fix something.
dils 20 / 33 2  
Sep 16, 2016   #3
Hi @hujjatul19,

Nice post from you, it is interesting because you summarized such a renowned person's speech. Regarding with that, personally I give you some suggestion to keep your essay as great as it can be.

1. "Bill Gates's speech focused...."

2. Notice your part of speech, this part should be ".....and how do you make a great teacher ?..."

3. Pay attention to the punctuation
"The deadly disease, in this case is malaria, had been a ..."

4. "As a result, the number (...) went down. [and] Most of infected countries ..."

5. "... still numerous countries had [have] the disease."

6. "....everyone who is expert in their [its] field to make a change."

7. "KIP (Knowledge is Power), a school that has great teachers. [,] They points..."

This is it, hope it can be useful for your works. One important thing is keep writing so you can improve your skill.


Home / Writing Feedback / Bill Gates - how do you stop deadly disease that spread by mosquitos?