Hello, I am an undergraduate from Taiwan. I am preparing for IELTS writing by myself and need some advice. This is my first time using the websites, so please pardon me if I got anything wrong. Any suggestion is appreciated, thanks a lot!
birth rate in developed countries have been decreasing
Many people today, especially in the developed world, are choosing to have fewer children, or none at all.
Why is this happening, and do you think it is a good trend?
Recently, there are more and more people in developed countries deciding not to have as many kids as before. However, I think this is not a good sign. In the following essay, I will explain the reason for this and present my own opinion.
One of the cause may be birth control policy imposed several decades ago. At that time, there were too many new born babies, so the government call for family planning. This concept has been deeply rooted in many people's heart since then. Second, as the social values change over time, more and more young couples disagree with the idea that they are obligated to sacrifice their youth or freedom so as to bear and raise children. Instead, they have their own dream or goal to pursue.
In my opinion, economically, having less children born means that there will be fewer workers in the future, which may cause a dramatic decrease in a nation's productivity and economy growth. Moreover, I personally think that though having a child or more than one is a heavy burden and can be exhausting, it is definitely worthwhile and a strong sense of accomplishment to see your own children growing up and enjoy the laughter during the process.
In conclusion, because of some policy carried out years ago and the change in people's thinking, birth rate in developed countries have been decreasing, which may lead to some negative effects. Therefore, both the governments and the people should come up with some methods to solve this problem.
I just would like to evaluate your essay in some perspective.
First of all, for IELTS writing task-2, there are four criteria;
·Coherence and cohesion
·Grammatical range & accuracy.
I think, any participants who plan to take IELTS exam should consider these criteria.
When it comes to your essay, it has good structure, and it flow smoothly. Notwithstanding, it does not seem like you are ready to take exam.
In intro part, you should not say "In the following essay" or "I will explain" etc. You should directly say your opinion, I think.
"One of the cause", you should add "s" at the end of "cause".
Ching, this is a direct question essay, which requires a direct response be delivered to the questions in the prompt paraphrase. This is used to outline the reasoning paragraphs between 2-3 reasons. For this type of question, a 2 paragraph reasoning essay is required. The way that you formatted the essay paraphrase does not respond to the 2nd question at all so it could lower the task accuracy score for your essay.
For this type of question, provide your opinion and the reason towards the end of the 5 sentence maximum paraphrase. Those sentences create the discussion topic and reason for your essay which will help increase your TA, GRA, and C&C scores overall. The way you responded to the essay shows that you are using a memorized format from a book for the response. Using memorized formats and phrases tend to lessen the scoring consideration for your essay because you do not fully utilize your English writing skills in the process.
You must only discuss one reason per paragraph because there is not enough room in a 5 sentence paragraph to properly develop, discuss, and provide examples for each topic. Your first reasoning paragraph became very weak and under developed because of this mistake. You need to make sure to use only one topic unless the instruction provides for a plural representation for the discussion. In which case, you will need to format your reasoning paragraphs differently using transition sentences to go from one reason to the next in the same paragraph instead.
Your concluding summary falls short of the 3 sentence minimum - 5 sentence maximum requirement. You will lose in GRA points due to the run-on sentences represented in the 2 sentence presentation. Always use a full stop, a period, to introduce new discussions. Never use a comma as that creates the run-on presentation.