Unanswered [4] | Urgent [0]

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 4


vodat1512002 1 / -  
Jul 26, 2018   #1

women's fertility rate in the uk

The line graph illustrates the fertility rate of females in 6 various age groups in the UK over a period of 15 years, starting from 1973.

Overall, while the birth rate of 35-to 39-year-olds recorded the highest figure, the opposite was true for people who aged 40 and above.

In 1973, over 80% of females between 35 and 39 years old gave childbirth, 10% higher than that of women in the first half of their thirties. This was followed by people who fell into the 25 to 30 age group with under 60%. The proportion of females giving birth under 20 and between 20 and 25 was relatively equal, around 35%, over threefold higher than the smallest figure for the 40-and-above age group.

From that time onwards, despite some declines to under 70%, the 39largest birth rate still belonged to 35-to 39-year-olds, compared to a significant decrease to just under 40% of women aged 30 to 35. In contrast, after a slight drop by approximately 5%, the percentage of 25-to 35-year-old and under 20 age groups increased to above 35% and precisely 30% respectively. In comparison, women aged 20 to 25 and 40 and above shared the same stability.

hphuc123 4 / 10 4  
Jul 26, 2018   #2
The second brilliant task 1 answer i've encountered today! The amount of information contained in the chart was so abundant that i got a little lost myself, but you made your structure very clear. You made some typos while writing (39largest), and i'm worried about your punctuation (35-to 39-year-olds) because i don't know if that's correct or not. Also women aged 20 to 25 did not share a stability; rather a slight drop from just under 40% to 30%.
Holt [Contributor] - / 9,061 2735  
Jul 27, 2018   #3
Vo, in my opinion, you have not given ample thought to time management in the writing of your essay. You wrote 210 words for a task that should be completed in 20 minutes. Therefore, your sole focus was on the vocabulary aspect of the writing instead of the content and quality of your presentation. Take for instance, how you represented the year starting in the chart as being 1973 when the title indicates that the chart starts in 1938. The overview should have indicated the same with a relevant explanation of:

While the graph begins in the year 1973, the actual start of the graph, as indicated in the description, is 1938.

This is because, if the data comparison of the examiner is done based on the actual image, your statement will have a bit of a misrepresentation of the data. It never hurts to be clear in your presentation of the actual information, even if you have to explain the minute difference in the presentation. It still counts as a TA score increase. Additionally, you should have mentioned that the graph started in 1973 and ended in 2008 along with the age group description. All of the relevant immediate information should be presented in the overview as:

A line graph representing the differences in the UK birth rate for women in 6 age groups are represented in the illustration. The age groups represented as those under 20 years up till the age of 40 and above. Each group is considered within a 5 year age bracket. The measurements are represented in percentage points. The measurements show a varying trend of upward, downward, and flat birth rates, depending upon the age group.

With that slight observation made, I have to say that the rest of your analysis is strong and relevant. It is clear and easily understood by the reader even if the reader does not see the graph within your analysis. Good job!
Minh2903 6 / 13 3  
Aug 6, 2018   #4
I think the overall writing is very good, however, you should pay more attention to the plural form, for example: it should be " the proportions of females ... were relatively equal".