MY 21TH BIRTHDAY, IT'S A SOFT STORY

MY 21TH SURPRISE BIRTHDAY

It was my 21th birthday and I was looking forward to seeing my friends. We were meeting at my friend's motel room. This motel room have 4 people who was my classmates. And I was excited and got to the motel room at exactly 7 o'clock the time we had arranged to meet. I was looking for a familiar face, but no one had arrived yet so I decided to wait in front of the motel room and stood patiently in the hot evening sunshine.

The darkness dropped quickly, but no one here. 'Where are they' I thought. At half past seven I was still waiting outside the motel room. So I called my best friend Thuy. 'Why she does answer her phone' I asked myself. Then I called My, Tuyet, Hau, but they didn't answer either. 'What going on' I wondered.

At 8 o'clock, my friends had forgotten my birthday and I felt lonely and miserable so I decided to come back my room. At this moment my friends opened the front door and jumped up. All of them shouted 'Surprise' with the big birthday cake I have never saw it befor, 'Thai make a wish' my friends shouted. After I had made a wish we came in the room and turned on the lights. We together eta big birthday cake, biscuits and drank a big bottle of coca cola. I drank too much coca cola and in the end it was the best birthday I have ever had.

Wow u really have good friends :). At a moment I thought u was so poor :( and going to write "happy birthday to you". But in the end... plot twist huh? As I can see here, it's look like a story more than an essay, so why u choose "writting feedback"? "speeches" I think will be more approriate :D.

Thank a lot Dang Khoa

@Thai nguyen
Hello there. Welcome to the forum! I hope you find all of this feedback helpful for your writing endeavors.

While I adore the presence of elaborate detailing in your essay, I would heavily suggest trying to structure your paragraphs a little bit more. For instance, you lacked transition words and appropriate punctuation (and/or pauses) throughout your first paragraph. I suggest trying to look into areas where you can incorporate this in order to assist you in writing.

Furthermore, it would be beneficial for you to incorporate more descriptive words throughout your writing. If you are able to do this, you'll be able to focus more on adding essential details that would evoke emotion among the readers.

Best of luck as always.