Topic: In achieving personal happiness, our relationships with other people (family, friends, colleagues) are more important than anything else. Issues such as work and wealth take second place. Argue in support of this claim.
People tend to focus on the materialistic stuff only
Firstly, the sole concentration and determination on the personal material objectives during successive years are fundamentally ascribed to the subsequent loneliness in which many affluent celebrities suffer from as a desolating experience. For instance, a has-been ,who used to make her best attempts to dedicate her angelic voice to the public at the old prime ,usually bears the brunt of being isolated depressingly despite having a well-off lifestyle and her devotion in the past. In comparison with other modern societal classes, the ordinary and the poor who always have to mangage to gain a better level of living standard savour the simple happiness but worthwhile and far-fetched with the famous , who is most of the times surrounded by his fans and paparazzi but alone with himself when the day is over.
Secondly ,the importance of obtaining individual contentment through social relationship has been supported and ascertained by the old from their profound understanding accumulated over the years. Namely, both of my grandparents on the mother side claim their family and friends to by the greatest things happening in their lives. On a worldwide scale, these sorts of sentiments are common amongst people who have experienced most of their lifetime. Therefore, ethical relationship deserve much more respect and significance than money or careers.
Thank you in advance for spending time fixing my essay 's body ! I would be grateful and appreciative this body is improved by your comments.Holt Educational Consultant - / 14,835 
4783 Duy, in all honesty, this is one of the most off tangent discussion for this topic that I have read on this forum. In trying to impress the reviewer with complex sentences using complicated words that you have no idea how to properly use in sentences and discussions, you wrote an essay that doesn't connect properly with the prompt requirements. For starters, you speak of celebrities when the subjects for comparison are clearly given in the prompt. Deviating from the indicated subjects shows a total disregard for the instructions given. Which means you didn't understand the instructions. You do not have a proper paraphrasing of the discussion topic prior to your argument which leaves the reader, who may not have access to the prompt (something you should always assume) , confused as to the discussion topic and what sort of discussion and opinions will be involved in the presentation. There is no way that this essay would get a passing score specially since it lacks the 5 paragraph requirement for these essays. The misdirected discussion plus lacking word count due to paragraph requirements means you should try harder next time by working within the problem instructions instead of deviating from it. Maybe your next essay will be an improvement. I look forward to reading the next practice essay from you.
