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IELTS: WHETHER BOTTLED WATER SHOULD BE BANNED


ChuHa 1 / 1  
Oct 25, 2012   #1
Hi everybody, I'm going to take the Ielts exam in the middle of November. My expecting band score is over 6.5. This is my first draft Ielst task 2. Please help me correct it. Thanks a lot

The global bottle water sales have increased dramatically over the past several decades, reaching a valuation of around 60 billion dollars and a volume of more than 115 million cubic meters. Nevertheless the use of bottle water has increasingly given one of the most today's serious problems named by pollution due to the exposing of plastic bottles. In my perspective, it's clear that bottle water should be banned in order ensure consumer rights and prevent the privatization of water

Many supporters of bottled water may argue that it is healthier and taste better. In fact, many researches and studies have pointed out bottled water is no better than tap water and to improve tap water taste, just an inexpensive carbon filter will turn most tap water sparkling fresh at a fraction of bottled water's cost. Most of tap water nowadays often treated with fluoride which helps prevent (avoid) tooth decay and cavities. Moreover, the true value of bottled water does not deserve to what consumers have to pay since it's natural water resource. For example in the US bottle water often costs about 3 dollar per bottle, while a similar volume of tap water only costs one cent. More often than not, 90 per cent or more paid my bottled water consumers goes to things other than water itself such as bottling, packaging, shipping, advertisement and so on.

To further fortify my position, I would like to emphasize that every year there are more than 1.5 billions of plastic bottle produced all over the world, that also means over 80% of empty plastic bottle disposed outside, mainly in oceans - is not only bringing about detrimental environmental side- effects, especially exposing marine life to great risk, killing birds and fishes but also is spoiling views of natural wonder. On a final note, it is worth mentioning that it is human rights to access to safe and affordable water. However, thanks to increasingly urbanization and population, shifting climate, fresh water is becoming humanity most precious resource or also called " blue gold" of 21 century, therefore many multinational corporations are stepping in to dominate many groundwater around the world to have power over of water distribution wherever they want.

To sum up, as far as I'm concerned I agree that government should take strictly control over the production , distribution of bottled water and its impacts on environment as well as provide fresh tap water for everyone in order to guarantee human rights.

dumi 1 / 6,928 1592  
Nov 10, 2012   #2
evertheless the use of bottle water has increasingly given one of the most today's serious problems today in terms of environmentalnamed by pollution due to the exposing of plastic bottles.


In my perspective, it's clear that bottle water should be banned in order ensure consumer rights and prevent the privatization of water

---------- previous sentences talks of pollution by introducing plastic bottles to the environment. However, in this sentence you say that consumers rights need to protected. As a reader I was struggling to establish a link between the too. Then when I read your body paras I realized that these are the two reasons you talk about supporting your opinion. So its better you mention about consumer rights also before this sentence to avoid confusion of the reader.

Your essay structure meets the expectation of this type of tasks. You've done a good job!
Practice with more topics and read good essays posted to this forum and you'll head to a flying score!
: )
OP ChuHa 1 / 1  
Nov 11, 2012   #3
Thank you dumi and scientiana, I greatly appreciate your comments. I will write as many essay as I can to improve my writing skill because my last IELTS results was just 6.0. Please help me evaluate my forthcoming essays. Thank you so much ^^


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