Unanswered [0] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 6

The Boy whose Parents were Murdered by Life


Saqib 4 / 14  
Mar 14, 2014   #1
''Mama! Baba! Brother! Sister! ,'' Rafiq cried, ''where are you? Why have you left me?'' The boy who was barely twelve years of age wept while he sat all alone in the remains of his bombed house. Just a few days ago, he remembered, he was happy. He was with his family. But life is a heartless monster that lusts for destruction. Her main goal is to make everyone and everything suffer. Probably that's why she let Rafiq's house be bombed. Above that she also let his parents be killed. Poor boy, he is suffering because of a relentless 'person.' But what could he have done? All inanimate things are like that; they don't care for anybody or anything else. The only thing one can do is go with the flow.

The boy laid down on the sofa of what used to be a living room. Rafiq closed his eyes and relived every moment he had spent with his family. He remembered his parents' guidance which was concealed in their anger. The boy also remembered the protection his brother gave him, no matter how though of a situation Rafiq was in, he could always rely on his brother for help. He also remembered his sister's kindness; she always forgave him.

Rafiq opened his eyes and started crying. He cried out a flood of tears. ''KILL ME! KILL ME NOW, I DON'T WANT TO LIVE,'' Rafiq cried. After controlling himself Rafiq whispered,'' I miss you ... I miss you all.'' With a heavy heart and tear filled eyes Rafiq fell asleep. Even in his sleep he sobbed, as he still thought about his family.

Apparently God had answered his prayer. While he slept, Rafiq's whole village was bombed. This time nobody survived. Perhaps it's life way as saying sorry. Right now in the ruins of his demolished house Rafiq lays somewhere smiling, knowing that he will rejoin his parents...

Faith318 1 / 7 1  
Mar 14, 2014   #2
though

Spelling error. Should be tough.

way as saying

Should be, way of saying.
As a story, you did an excellent job. Very well written.
max2014 3 / 4  
Mar 14, 2014   #3
Good Story to read.
Pahan 1 / 1,906 553  
Mar 18, 2014   #4
Just a few days ago, he remembered, he was happy. He was with his family.

Just a few days ago, he was a happy little kid surrounded by his loved ones.

But life is a heartless monster that lusts for destruction.

...Good sentence :)
The only thing one can do is gojust move with the flow.

I like your writing style. However, it is not clear as to why you wrote this. It's good to include a line to tell us the purpose of your writing (on the top before you start the essay) so that we get a better understanding about your writing and accordingly provide you with better feedbacks :)
OP Saqib 4 / 14  
Mar 23, 2014   #5
Thanks! The above narrative is a short summary of a narrative I am planning to write.
dumi 1 / 6,928 1592  
Mar 23, 2014   #6
Rafiq opened his eyes and started cryingto weep.He cried out a flood of tears. ''KILL ME! KILL ME NOW, I DON'T WANT TO LIVE,'' Rafiq cried.sobbed. After controllinga while he controlled himself Rafiq whispered,'' I miss you ... I miss you all.'' With a heavy heart and tear filled eyes Rafiq fell asleep. Even in his sleep he sobbed, as he still thoughtdreamed about his family.


Home / Writing Feedback / The Boy whose Parents were Murdered by Life