Unanswered [2] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 2

Brave to disagree - Margaret Heffernan


Fatirtalent 12 / 19  
Sep 22, 2016   #1
Brave to disagree - Margaret Heffernan

There was a fantastic doctor in oxford named Alice Stewart. She was unusual because it was pretty rare in 1950 as a woman become a doctor. In order to get her Ph.D. title, she was insisted on overcoming the crucial problem and she chose the rising incidence of childhood cancers. She found that most children who were suffering cancer had mothers who had been x-rayed when pregnant. She intended to publish her outcomes in The Lancet in 1956, people got very excited, there was the talk of the Nobel Prize.

Alice had a remarkable concept of thinking, working with George was a recluse, while Alice was the outgoing person. Both were opposite people in the way of thinking, preference, and experience. George had helped her to have different thinking to prove that she was true. Alice and George were the constructive collaboration that we need in our life, but how dare we are?

note: please kindly give comments followed by clear explanation. Merci Beaucoup

source: youtube.com/watch?v=PY_kd46RfVE

wew018 - / 20 9  
Sep 23, 2016   #2
Hi @fatirtalent

I have here some corrections that I noticed in your composition. It also has explanation why it was wrong for your future references.
Hope you could learn from these tips I have given.

There was a fantastic doctor inoOxford named Alice Stewart. > One rule in capitalization is the name of institution.

as a womantobecome a doctor. > The pattern of this phrase is like "noun + verb + noun" which is "woman become doctor". In this kind of pattern, usually that "verb" should be in infinitive form which makes it "noun + infinitive verb + noun" making the sentence "woman to become a doctor"

she wasinsistedon overcoming > "insisted" means "demanding forcefully" like it asks something in favor of her. So in this particular sentence, "insisted" is not appropriate. "Persist" however means "continuing on doing something despite of difficulties". Though, you can not also use "persist" because it will make the sentence off. You can use "determined" because it is more polite and positive than "persist". Thus, that phrase will be:

"she was determined on overcoming ... "

She foundoutthat most ... > "Found" is the past form of "find" which means to discover or to look while "found out" or "find out" means to discover something based on researching, investigation or study. Since it talks about a study conducted by Ms. Stewart, it is more appropriate to use "find out" or "found out" because it is based on the study findings she had conducted.

She intended to publish heroutcomesfindingsin The Lancet in 1956,wherepeople got very excited, thereand itwas the talkofforthe Nobel Prize. > Let's break the corrections I have made. First, the word "outcomes". "Outcomes" also means "result" the same as "findings". What makes it different and inappropriate is that "outcome" is the result of your experiment whereas "findings" is about your study. Therefore, it is more appropriate to use "findings". Second, the comma after the phrase "The Lancet in 1956". Instead of having a lot of commas in just one sentence, you can use transition words to provide more creativity in your sentence. Third, the word "there". This is just the same with the second reason where you have used comma it is just that you added the word "there". You can also use transition words or conjunctions to connect your ideas instead of having multiple commas in your sentence. Lastly, the word "of". The word "of" in this sentence denotes that Ms. Stewart's findings was given a Nobel Prize which in reality was not. So, to make the idea clear that at that time, it was a nominee for the Nobel Prize where everyone is talking about, use the word "for" which changes the idea that Ms. Stewart's work has been everyone's talk that at some point, it might have won the Nobel Prize which did not happen. Just be careful on your word choice because most of the times, it can change the whole idea of the sentence.

Alice had a remarkable concept of thinking., (full stop) She used toworkingwith Georgewhowas a recluse, while Alice wastheanoutgoing person. > So, in this sentence, you had some errors which we will break to understand more of that error. First, the full stop. If you think you will bring another idea, you have to end your sentence with a (.) period. Here, the part "Alice had a remarkable ... " is already a whole idea. If you will add another idea to that sentence, it will just confuse your readers what you have said earlier. The main idea will be forgotten if you will put a lot of unrelated ideas. So, you have to make a full stop (.) period once you have stated a full, whole idea. Next, since we had to stop on that part, we have to add starting phrase to make a clear sentence. Hence, I added "She used to work with George, ..." at least it is clear that she worked with George. Third, the phrase "with George was a recluse". It is grammatically wrong. I know you want to emphasize what George does and who he is and so, you elaborated that he was a recluse. So, to make it clear, you have to be clear if the idea you are adding to was a "what" or a "who" etc. Therefore, you have to add "who" before the phrase "was a recluse" because you are describing "George" who was a recluse. Lastly, the word "the" vs "an". Definite and indefinite articles are confusing. However, once you know what is the essence of your sentence you will realize what to use between "the" and "an". Here, you are actually describing "Alice" who was an outgoing person. Therefore, instead of using definite article like "the", whenever you are describing someone by "who was ..." or "who used to be ..." you have to use "a/an" indefinite article.

, but how dare we are? > To be honest, I really did not understand what is this phrase for. It sounded rude to me like as if "how dare we are to do this in life when there is some time in our history that this Alice and George exist" or some sort of that. But, I know it is just a language barrier. I know you want to express something, it is just in a wrong way. I believe you want to say something positively it is just that you have chosen incorrect terms and words. If I could have just decode what you really meant based on the context, I would have suggested some phrase but I can not. But, to be safe, you can remove this phrase. If you really want to include something like this, please tell me what you really mean by this and then I will try to think of correct terms that I could suggest to you instead of having that phrase.

Well, that will be all. I hope I was able to help you and I am looking forward to your composition.

Enjoy and keep writing ! Good Luck


Home / Writing Feedback / Brave to disagree - Margaret Heffernan