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Briefly describe the work of this (My current job) organisation (max. 250 words)


digaprasiska 10 / 27 6  
Mar 5, 2017   #1
Please help me to correcting about my answer for scholarship application,
This one is talking about my current job,
Thank you

Briefly describe the work of this (My current job) organisation (max. 250 words)

health care services for Ngronggot community



Pusat Kesehatan Masyarakat Ngronggot (Primary/Community Health Center of Ngronggot subdistrict) called Puskesmas Ngronggot is non profit functional organization below The Ministry of Health that give public health service and primary health care services of with more emphasis in promotive and preventive of health problem to the Ngronggot community to achieve high improve in degree of public health area. The cost for operating this organization is provided by shared of regional government and social security administrator (Health insurance system of Indonesia) called Badan Penyelenggara Jaminan Sosial (BPJS)

Puskesmas Ngronggot, has responsibilites in several area such as conduct planning based on the analysis of public health issues and health care needed by the community, advocating and socializing health policy, communicating, informating, educating, and empowering community in health area, mobilizing the community to identify and resolve health issues at every level of society development in cooperation with other related sectors, monitoring the implementation of health development program, and providing recommendations related to public health issues,including support for early warning systems and responses to disease.

Do my answer good enough? or strong enough to describe my current job organization ?

Peaches07 5 / 20 6  
Mar 5, 2017   #2
Hi,
Take a look at this version and change however you like it;

Pusat Kesehatan (...) is called or is also known as Puskesmas Ngronggot. It is a non-profit functional organization and under the Ministry of Health give public health service and primary health care services with the emphasis more on promoting and preventing of health problem to the Ngronggot community, it aims to achieve high improvement in the public health area. The cost for operating this organization is provided for by two parastatal; regional government and social security administrator (Health insurance system of Indonesia) called Badan Penyelenggara Jaminan Sosial. I don't really understand the line I was highlighted in blue but I am sure you do.

The second paragraph is too long for a sentence or what do you think? You could find where you can put a full stop then continue (for example you could put a full stop after empowering the community in health care.) Then continue with remaining as; It also engages in mobilizing.....

Hope it helps you out
Best of luck
Holt [Contributor] - / 7,699 2054  
Mar 5, 2017   #3
Diga, if there are English equivalents for the name of your organization, please use them first, with the original name in your native tongue in the parenthesis. That way the reviewer will not get confused immediately upon reading your opening words. I tried to read your essay as it is and I found myself confused because of the non-English description that entered my mind first. it stopped me from reading the rest of your essay. I strongly suggest that you change the wording of the statement to cover the English versions first and foremost. That will also make it easier to describe your work. The reviewer can pretty much imagine what you are trying to say in English but will be at a total loss if you keep referring to the native version of the terms first. The description is fine. We just have to deal with the confusion that the non-English terminology brings in order to make the statement more understandable to the reviewer.


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