Unanswered [1] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 5

Bringing and grown up a child could be a challenging work, which demand attending of both parents


ARIA 16 / 43 1  
Jan 21, 2011   #1
Question:
"Fatherhood ought to be emphasized as much as motherhood. The idea that women are solely responsible for deciding whether or not to have babies leads on to the idea that they are also responsible for bringing the children up."

To what extent do you agree or disagree?

My Answer:

"Fatherhood ought to be emphasized as much as motherhood. The idea that women are solely responsible for deciding whether or not to have babies leads on to the idea that they are also responsible for bringing the children up."

To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Bringing and grown up a child could be a challenging work, which demand attending of both parents. The old fashioned idea of the parenthood as a mother task now would be rejected; however I believe nowadays, as both parents are responsible for creating of the kid, the nourishing and thriving of their children should be the main job for both of them. Now we live in a society where both parents have the same rights, and responsibility for doing their jobs out of parenting. Moreover, there are some skills that would be taught better by each parent.

Today we live in a society which both parents have the same rights and commitment for their life. An old fashion belief, which might put the responsibility of kids on the mother's shoulders do not have value anymore. As men need their time for job, rest or leisure time, mothers have their own right to spend their time as they want., regardless of their commitment as a mother.

Moreover, in new technological economy of the new world both parents should work to have a better quality of life. Now numbers of the women in working force sometimes surpass the number of the men. Considering rising the kids as women job is not fare while they have the same economic burden at family income as breadwinner.

At the end, there are skills that both parents should learn to their children. Love, affection, and compassion are lessons that moms can better teach to their kids, while fathers are keen on lessons such as hard work, resistance, leadership and lots of other masculine skills.

In conclusion, as both parents had the share for creating the kids then they have work together bring them up in a better way. Both parents have the same rights for living then they should have time for themselves, this right is more eminence since women started economically help the men in family, then have more responsibility out of the house. Furthermore, there are some skills that kids can learn better from each parent.

khris99 2 / 2  
Jan 21, 2011   #2
Don't start the essay with although; in my opinion it seems a tad bit unprofessional and there are a lot of grammatical errors in the first two sentences.

And don't begin your other essays with first,second, and finally. Attempt to use more colorful words to introduce each subsequent paragraph.
lippea 3 / 7  
Jan 22, 2011   #3
arguments are clear, but grammar is bad and makes the answer hard to follow
In addition, first and last paragraphs do not need to include reasons
ajit88rai 22 / 188 3  
Jan 23, 2011   #4
-aria-u really need to check the grammar. u can rephrase the above para as:
" Raising a child can be a challenging work which demands attention from both parents.Parenting as the sole responsibility of a mother is an old fashioned approach which has been now rejected.(but with this line, u wud b taking a stand too quick...try to write more line about parenting). Since both the parents bring the child in this world, it should be the duty of both to nourish and raise the child properly.

this much is enough to write in an intro para...dont get too deep in the intro itself ...u might not have any have any matter left in the next paras.

-u have already written these lines in the intro itself.-"Today we live in a society which both parents have the same rights and commitment for their life. An old fashion belief, which might put the responsibility of kids on the mother's shoulders do not have value anymore."- do not repeat the lines. its useless...i have read that ielts examiners will just cut ur repeated lines..it can also affect ur word count.

-masculine skills. -this word is a little biased...leadership is not a masculine thing anymore ...dont use terms or sentences which can be interpreted as being judgmental, biased or racial...never do that...

-dont start ur concluding para with the word " in conclusion" . we all know we write conclusion at the end of an essay... just write a real effective lines or a quote...which can summarize ur stand and also state ur opinion.

- btw, u really need to work on ur grammar my frnd, its really very hard to understand the sentences. try re-reading what u have written.

all the best...i would say u should love this constructive criticism. it will help us all in the longer run!!!! good luck and cheers...all the best
OP ARIA 16 / 43 1  
Jan 23, 2011   #5
Hi Ajit

I really appreciate your work on my essays. I have attended half a dozen courses and classes for my language exams TOEFL and IELST, but none of them were as productive as your comments.

Thanks the "essay forum" that gives me the opportunity to have your helps.

I agree with all your suggestion; however other instructor found the same problems. I try to fix those part and as you advised read more, but I think my native language Farsi do not let me to think "English" and what I write in fact is a kind of direct translation of Farsi thinking to English.

People suggested me to read more, and I do, but still have the problem.

I try to work more on this essay as you told and send in your email as you gave me because I need to close this posting in order to submit a new thread.

I hope your exam would be a success take the score you need.

Regards


Home / Writing Feedback / Bringing and grown up a child could be a challenging work, which demand attending of both parents