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Rosiee Nguyen 1 / 2  
Nov 26, 2019   #1

travel to and from the uk, destinations of the british tourists

The line graph provides data on the number of British visited aboard and the international travelers who came to Britain over the period of 35 years while the bar chart illustrates from which countries the UK's residents regularly visited in 2004.

Overall, the pattern of British visitors was always higher than the pattern of foreign visitors who came to UK, with the divided into two group of countries which one had a huge number of British visitors and the another had less attractive than the first group.

The trend of UK visitors has a remarkably grow from nearly 10 million people in 1979 to properly 60 million people in 2004, approximately six times more than in 1979. There was a rapidly rose in the number of overseas residents visited England, though not by the same amount. In the two periods of 1994 to 1989 and 1989 to 2004, the trend was increased slowly.Conversely, in the period of 1984 and 1989, the number of foreign visitors to UK went up nearly doubled than in 1984.

As it observed in the bar chart, France and Spain is the most popular countries that attracted a lot of visitors from England in 2004, respectively 11 million and 9 million travelers annually. On the other hand, the group of remainder three countries included USA, Greece and Turkey had lower number of British visitors, around 4 million people a year.

Thanks a lot !!!!

Maria [Contributor] - / 1,063 374  
Nov 26, 2019   #2
@Rosiee Nguyen
Hi there. Welcome to the forum! I hope that this feedback of mine gives you insight on how to improve your writing. Please don't hesitate to ask if you have any more additional questions as we'd love to entertain them!

I don't think there's anything that's extremely wrong with your writing. However, I do find that you can still improve the overall academic appeal of the writing, especially because the certain parts of the text are still a little bit outdated. For example, that first paragraph should have been divided into two to three different sentences to create something that's more comprehensive.

While I think that your observations were generally okay, they still lacked that push to be considered as properly written out. For instance, the excessive usage of numbers throughout the third paragraph can be interpreted in such a lousy manner, especially because it doesn't really flow well with the rest of the writing. What you could have done is substitute these intervals with more descriptive phrases to create more dynamism in the writing that'll be more appropriate for the rest of the text.
OP Rosiee Nguyen 1 / 2  
Nov 27, 2019   #3
Thanks so much for fixed my academic writing. Because i just started learning Ielts a few month ago so I have a difficulty with how make the sentences linked with each other, how make it flow naturally and the structure how to analyze the trends.

Besides, i wonder if my grammars and words in overview part are correctly or not? and how the flow of this paragraph?
Ali20 7 / 13 2  
Nov 27, 2019   #4
Hello @Rosiee Nguyen.

these my comments about your writing.
1.initial sentence of your writing, i tend to disagree with this word "regularly visited in 2004"
because there is no explanation that can give clear information about this. there is only information about the common destination countries whom UK residents visit.

2. i find quite confusing with this sentence "... periods of 1994 to 1989 and 1989 to 2004, the trend ...". i suggest you to make clear grouping.
OP Rosiee Nguyen 1 / 2  
Nov 27, 2019   #5
thanks for the detailed feedback. I will fix my writing to make it clearer

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