Unanswered [6] | Urgent [0]

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 5

[IELTS] Brutality in the media makes people more aggresive?

Skychelcy 1 / 1  
Sep 4, 2017   #1
This is my first post on this website. If you guys check my writing and give feedback and predict a band score.

Violence in the media promotes violence in society.
To what extent do you agree or disagree?

broadcasting violent content in tv

Brutality shown on the TV instigates atrocity in community. This essay agrees with this view because it provokes response among young viewers and humans possess a propensity to follow what they see in movies.

Young generations are easily motivated by ferocity displayed on the TV and other sorts of media. When they play online video games, they are instructed to fight opponents or even slay them to win the match. Such promotion invokes them to believe that brutality is acceptable, therefore, they apply in the real world to the real people. Seeing such activity, other young adults follow the same path of destruction and get involved with chaotic situations. Numerous studies done by Harvard University revealed the identical result that role-playing action games that are major sources of violence are accountable for 24% of the crimes performed by teenage and adult gamers.

Human beings have a tendency to imitate what movies show them. They believe the media and the limelight to be their perfect idols and follow in their footsteps. As they see the media keeps showing violent stuff and their favorite celebrities are performing such roles, they hold a belief that such things are adaptable. As a consequence, they try to perform such roles in the real life and hurt other citizens, sometimes even worse, they kill them. To state an example, some fans of WWE reportedly found to apply some moves of their favorite stars and ended up breaking their bones.

To conclude, this essay agrees that violent events in the media events begets more atrocity in society because they stimulate violence among young boys and girls, and humans, by nature, follow what they watch on the TV.

Holt - / 7,527 2001  
Sep 5, 2017   #2
Akash, in an actual test setting, I doubt that you can get a score higher than a 3 with this essay due to several problems that exist in it. The first of which is an improperly formatted opening statement. In a TOEFL test, you are required to follow the minimum 3 sentence requirement and give your opinion at the end of the paragraph. Remember, since you are writing this essay (because the essay cannot write itself), you must use first person pronouns in the statement of your opinion as well as throughout the essay, whenever possible. For your reference, a more accurate prompt representation here would be:

There is a belief that the violence that exists in our society is being caused by the media. There are claims the media does this through the airing of shows and news events that directly relate to such violence. In this essay, I will provide evidence for my strong support of the view that media promotes social violence.

Whenever an essays asks for the "extent" of your support for a point of view, you must give a verbal measurement of that opinion. So terms that connote a conviction such as "strongly, totally, and partially" helps to better respond to that prompt requirement. It also allows you an opportunity to better show of your English vocabulary knowledge because you can use other descriptive terms to create your sentence and opinion.

Try not to use information that uses outside sources. While this is something that makes a practice test look good, you will not have time to do actual research once the test proper begins. So it would be best for you to stick to personal opinion, public knowledge, or measured assumptions when presenting discussion evidence and supporting statements. You need to focus on your grammar presentation instead of the veracity of the information resource as you did in this essay. You can only focus on properly developing your sentences if you do not have to do actual research for the topic. If you are not familiar with the topic provided, then offer a general discussion based on the little knowledge that you have of the topic. It doesn't have to be highly informative, simply informative will do provided you can prove that your information is relevant to the discussion topic provided.

While the closing statement you presented is acceptable, you will score better if you can show that you are capable of creating a coherent and cohesive closing paragraph instead. By presenting a paragraph, you are able to extend your English vocabulary use and call the attention of the reviewer to the fact that you have an extensive vocabulary that you are capable of using in the right context within the given essay.
OP Skychelcy 1 / 1  
Sep 5, 2017   #3
I am appearing in IELTS, not TOEFL.
DDay - / 2 1  
Sep 5, 2017   #4
I'm also preparing ielts, so hope my comment is correct._(:⁍」∠)_

You replace people with humans or human beings.
human :belonging to or relating to people, especially as opposed to machines or animals .
human is not a good word there.

"Young people" is included in humans.

You may discuss the different effects on the youth and adults in two paragraphs, or effects on the public/younger people in one essay.
But not the same effect on young people and all the people, if they are affected in the same way, there is no need to paragraph.

.....hope to be helpful.
Wakalanud 3 / 7 3  
Sep 6, 2017   #5
hai @Skychelcy, better if you rewrite your conclusion, it seems like you did not paraphrase your statement clearly, you only repeating it from intro and putting some additional words ,furthermore, you did not cover what had you said in your body paragraph.

Pay more attention for choosing some vocabularies, such as, "Human beings have a tendency to imitate what movies show them. They believe the media" better if you said media as general and putting movies as specific term in example. for me, movies already include in media, i guess.

your first and second paragraph, there is no differences, you seems like just copy it and change the vocab, but what did you want to say still same, better if you do brainstorming before start to write

Home / Writing Feedback / [IELTS] Brutality in the media makes people more aggresive?