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[toefl] Build art museum or recreational facility


taylor kong 5 / 8  
Mar 21, 2011   #1
It's more important for the government to spend money to build art museums and music performance center than to build recreational facilities (such as swimming pool, playgrounds).

A public debate on the question of whether the government should be spend money to build art museums and music performance center than to build recreational facilities has arisen to attention. There are diverse attitudes from people with distinguishing backgrounds. Some people would like to spend money to build art museums and music performance center; while, other people would like to build recreational facilities, such as swimming pool, playgrounds and etc. Personally speaking, I agree with the assertion that building recreational facilities is more important for government than art museums and music performance center. The reasons for my preference include the following.

First of all, from the perspective of the art museum, it is not deny that people, especially youth, really learn more history knowledge about art from art museum. Most important, enhance the students understanding of the arts, which leads to enthusiasm to learn specially knowledge and heritage the outstanding cultural of nation. This really is an important investment for government. However, it drawback is that only possess at most one or two art museums in a city, and to visit the museum within the prescribed time even some museums only pay certain fees have right to enter, which leads to people visit museum one or two times in a year.

Second of all, unlike art museum or music performance center, recreational facilities, such as swimming pool or playground, play a key role in daily life. People take exercise to getting relaxed from a busy and stressful work in the playground. For example, in the morning, people have a morning run in the playground to let them cheer in a whole day, and in the evening, people will have a stroll or play badminton to relax. What's more, every university or school or community possesses a playground or swimming pool to exercise without pay any fee and enjoy a happy environment. People more would like to play in playground or swimming pool than art museum or music performance center.

All in all, although some people may still remain unconvinced, the reason I have analyzed this question is that I want to at least make them more aware of the various dimensions of the issue under discussion. There is little doubt that more and more people will come to realize that it is more important for the government spend money to build recreational facilities than to build art museums and music performance center.

i hope everyone will correct my essay and post your advises and i have a obviously progress in my writing under your help.
thank you very much!

Borislav 6 / 20  
Mar 21, 2011   #2
Here's what I think you should focus on:
-It is a "state your opinion" essay, isn't it? I can clearly indicate that you have managed that task, for you have clear thesis in the introduction paragraph, but then you go and immerse in the shortcomings of museums. It may be a good idea to compare both viewpoints, but you should provide more evidence and life-examples. Most books suggest you must have 3 sub-thesis statements... I dunno how "exact" is that, but it's worth keeping your essay in that scheme. I would shoot for something like this:

-recreational facilities have much more attendants than museums (as you have done)
-swimming, for instance, can contribute to both health care and social life, opposed to music hales, which in no way can improve one's physical condition. On the contrary, music and concerts are often identified with destructive behavior like doing drugs and drinking alcohol

-building playgrounds is an investment in society's future, for the children would give more attention to sports than museums (and we all know which is more important).

That's just a brief scratch of what would I write about, of course everybody can think of their own instances. I am trying to "strengthen by diversity", opposing both available opinions.

-Your grammar needs a lot of work. Mine too :)
-I haven't met with "first of all, second of all" intros before. It sounds kind of... dunno. We use such idioms here when we are angry. I don't know if you understand me, but it's not that important. The point is, if you are going with transitions, try to use greater variety. "First of all" sounds exactly like "Second of all", and both sound like repetition.

How much time did it take you to write it? Asking from mere curiosity :)
OP taylor kong 5 / 8  
Mar 21, 2011   #3
hello,
thank you for your advises and i wrote this essay spent almost 40sec.
i will revise my essay reference your ideas.


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