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"How to build the medical health care system" IELTS WRITING TASK 2

sun79 1 / 1  
Nov 11, 2016   #1
It's my practice about "medical health care system", will you be kind enough to prune?

Task 2:
The costs of medical health care are increasing all the time. Governments are finding it difficult to balance the health care budget. Should citizens be totally responsible for their own health costs and take out private health insurance, or is it better to have a comprehensive health care system which provides free health services for all?

Discuss your viewpoint on this issue.

Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

My essay is as follows:

How to build the health care system is a matter of massive controversy. Some people insist citizens should pay for their own health costs respectively like private health insurance. The others prefer the free comprehensive health care system for public. As far as I am concerned, I would say the latter is better.

Establishing free comprehensive health care system is the significant duty of governments. Citizen is the treasure of a country. Governments should take care of their people, undoubtedly the health care comes first. It is well known; most governments tax huge money every year. The money is from people, and should be used for people with on doubt. How serious will it be if a person always lives in a low quality of health condition, much less how terrible a country will be if most of the population in unhealthy condition generally. People are too weak to do their job, and have to see the doctor frequently. If so, not only they can't achieve their happiness, but also the county can't develop well.

All the people will benefit much more from the free comprehensive health care system, rather than personal efforts. Governments are able to give more resources in addition to basic health care and treatment. Such as build all kinds of public gyms or stadiums nearby communities, provide free facilities for outdoor sports just within communities. Besides the above measures which are mainly for adults, the educational management department could increase sports courses at a school timetable, even get rid of the junk food from children's menus. By this kind of method, regardless of adults or children, their health care problems are all covered. More than that, no matter you're poor or wealthy, your health care problems are all covered as well. For example, even if you are very rich, you're probably not likely to build your own football pitch or basketball court, but the comprehensive health care system will help it.

Having said that, the vast system has a few of disadvantages. The increasing cost will make it more difficult for governments to balance the budget. Consequently, the tax burden will become heavier for citizens. In addition, costly price of treatments may drive people do more exercise, whereas free health care might turn people more lazy. They would rather be couch potatoes than exercise regularly, in spite of the high risk of obesity, diabetes, heart disease and so on. These men waste public health care resources indeed. However, in any case citizens should have access to free health care. It's their basic human rights in my view.

In conclusion, regarding less the inner shortage of the free comprehensive health care system, we should choose it and insist it, just as we cannot throw baby out with bath water.
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 11,707 3785  
Nov 11, 2016   #2
Jeson, is this your first time writing an essay for task 2? If it is, then don't feel so bad because I am giving this current essay a rating of 4 in the overall band score. There are tremendous problems with your grammar, vocabulary, and sentence structure to name but a few of the areas that I suggest you concentrate on improving. There are many parts of the essay where your message is lost because of the part came across as unclear to the reader. That happens when you fail to develop the sentence structures accurately. The problems with the grammar, vocabulary, and punctuation lead the reader to a difficult, if not faulty understanding of your essay. The grammar problems were so bad in the essay that I really found myself constantly having to read, re-read, then re-read your paragraph. When a reviewer needs to read your paragraphs or your full paper a number of times before he can make sense of what you have written, you can bet that your score will not be a passing one in the end. Kindly take note of my comments and try to improve upon them with your next practice test.
OP sun79 1 / 1  
Nov 11, 2016   #3
To tell the truth, I am not fond of your comment. Too many discouragement there, without any concrete correction.

I agree with you there are so many mistakes, but you didn't point out, neither let me know how to correct them?

Even if you correct a misspelt word, I would say thanks to you, but your current comment is totally above my head.

But thanks all the same, for your time.

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