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An essay about Building up our Immune System.


abd85 2 / 6  
Jan 6, 2010   #1
Hello
This site is great! I admit that I was blindfolded due to the fact that I did not know this helpful site till now!
Anyway, I was wondering if you could help me in revising the next essay.
Thank you in advance

Building up our Immune System

The immune system is one of the most important systems in the human body. It protects us from many diseases; therefore, we should strengthen it as much as we can.

First, we have to eat healthy food. Eating well does not mean to gorge; it simply means that we have to manage our eating. Our daily meals should contain: vitamins, carbohydrates, fat, and minerals.

We also have to sleep well. The "good slumber" is the doctor's advice to their patients. "We always emphasize that sleeping early gives the body a high energy which helps to work greatly in the next day," said Dr. John Miles.

In conclusion, ignorance at times makes people careless to their immune system. So, it is necessary to take care of it. Indeed, it is the best way to avoid any infections that might attempt to attack our bodies.

tiger13twin 7 / 20  
Jan 6, 2010   #2
Your essay is pretty good.

My suggestion is, when you say, First, we have to eat healthy food, , you should talk about why you should eat healthy foods.

Our daily meals should contain: vitamins, carbohydrates, fat, and minerals.- write examples of daily meals that contain the what vitamins, carbohydrates, fat, and minerals.

In your third paragraph put some of your opinion into it (with out using I), and talk about some experiences.

IndeedItit is the best way to avoid any infections that might attempt to attack our bodies.
jen50192 4 / 37  
Jan 6, 2010   #3
Like tiger13twin, I suggest that you expand a whole lot on your ideas. You have good points but you need to support them too.

First, we have to eat healthy food . - Or . . eat healthily.

In conclusion, ignorance at times makes people careless to of their immune system.

Good luck!
Keng 39 / 134  
Jan 7, 2010   #4
You better have more ideas to make your topic clearer

Here are my suggestions:

What are functions that the immunity takes part in, when you are infected by diseases such as influenza, stomache and intestine troubles.

How does the immunity work with those problems?

You can begin your body paragraph with an example of a person you know, which in my opinion, clarify your points.

Thesis may be about maintaining good immunity can protect you from any malfunction caused by ailments

Does anyone agree with my ideas?
OP abd85 2 / 6  
Jan 7, 2010   #5
I admit that my essay lacks many ideas, but I really feel that writing any essay is not an easy mission to accomplish. Besides, English is not my native tongue which causes some problems in making the points in the English pattern. I mean thinking in English not in my native language.

I really appreciate your efforts in finding and correcting the mistakes!

I have just some confusion, should we exaggerate in writing any essay?
Is it safe to write short-sentences? Frankly, I can't easily give up writing long-sentences?

Again! Thank you so much
Best regards
jen50192 4 / 37  
Jan 7, 2010   #6
abd85
Well, when you're writing a factual essay, you shouldn't exaggerate because there shouldn't be any need to do so. The topic "building up our immune systems" already has concrete facts that can be put into the essay.

Short sentences are fine because it's good to vary sentence structure but when you have two or three similar ideas, you can combine these sentences to make the whole thing flow better.
chuncky13 8 / 13  
Jan 7, 2010   #7
I agree with Tiger13twin elaborate on your ideas
talk about why health foods are good for you, name some healthy foods, stick to facts don't hyperbolize
OP abd85 2 / 6  
Jan 9, 2010   #8
Thank you everybody for all your help!
I really appreciate your prompt reply to my questions.

Regards


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