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IELTS: Building new sports facilities is the best way for public health??

tk0308 2 / 2  
Aug 31, 2015   #1
Some people say that the best way to improve public health is by increasing the number of sports facilities. Others, however, say that this would have little effect on public health and that other measures are required.

Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

Please help my essay fixed well...

Through the progression of time, the issues surrounding education have fuelled a controversy in society. The controversy revolves around the volunteer activities of high school curriculums. This essay will take a social perspective to show a firm agreement with this claim.

In such a contemporary society, there is a strong favour towards high school curriculums ought to be contained volunteer activities compulsorily. Though there are a lot of sites where people need to be helped, the reality is what is lacking a lot of hands. If a lot of high school students participate in volunteer activities, the problem would be reduced remarkably. Furthermore, it contributes to developing good characteristics. Today it is obviously common that high school students tend to spend much time to study in order to enter a good university and gain a good job. Some experts have announced that this trend causes some problems such as the lack of social connections and unhealthy. However, they claim that high school students can conquer these problems throughout volunteer activities. Following this reasoning, there is sufficient evidence to support the claim.

As with most issues of discussion, a counter-argument exist in that compulsory volunteer activities are not the best way and also have a likelihood to occur some negative effects. In fact, it was reported by a Korean education expert that some high school students were to feel a lot of stress after compulsory volunteer activities and their grades fell dramatically. This case demonstrates that it is not good to try to force no matter how good it is. However, these aspects can be avoided by the government support. For instance, offering a variety kind of volunteer activities by the government contributes to reducing the stresses which high school students get as they can choose more suitable activity for them. As of saying this, it seems significantly less convincing to consider the demerit of compulsion.

While considering all extents of the argument, due to the fact that the counter-argument could be controlled, there was more convincing evidence to support otherwise. Hence, it can be elicited that more significant reasons to agree with the claim of this topic.

lcturn87 - / 435 236  
Aug 31, 2015   #2
Hello, I will help you some of your essay.

When I read the first paragraph, it made me think that you were answering another topic. Focus your essay on sport facilities and also think about who uses them, which is the public. The public would include children and adults.

I would suggest researching sports facilities. Think about who uses these facilities. Are the facilities open for people with disabilities? Is the increase in building these facilities going to make the public health's better? Also, if more facilities are built, will people use them to help improve their health?

These are some suggestions to help you with your essay. When you gather your facts, you can write a revision to your essay. I hope this helps!
Bayuwibowo 48 / 73 21  
Sep 1, 2015   #3
Hello tk0308,
maybe you can rewrite your introduction and conclusion.

For introduction you can use paraphrase from the sentence of topic.

For conclusion you can use "In conclusion" "The aforementioned evidence reveals that" for the beginning sentence of the paragraph.

Good luck!

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