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Bullying is a big problem in many schools. Causes and solutions [ielts writing p2]


thaomycva 1 / -  
Jun 5, 2021   #1

Bullying is a big problem in many schools.


What do you think are the causes of this? What solutions can you suggest?
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.[/B]

Bullying undeniable is one of the most pressing issues in many educational institutions. This essay aims to clarify parents' ignorance and environmental factor as the main causes associated with this problem and propose education as possible solutions to avoid them.

Bullying lies within a wide range of ages from elementary schools to university, causing both physical and mental injuries. One motive which is frequently cited as a major cause is the ignorance of parents or families. Children require love as an education in order to develop sympathy and benevolence; otherwise, they will be destitute of feelings and goodwill toward their schoolmates. Children are prone to violent, genocidal TV shows, movies spreading uncontrollably through numerous internet platforms due to a lack of parents' care. The surrounding environment also makes profound impacts on the manners of juveniles. This point is aptly illustrated by teenagers raised in slums are inclined to bullying, whereas those reared in a friendly neighborhood are likely to do the opposite.

This issue needs concrete actions from adults. Education at a young age is paramount of importance in order to shape their personality and behaviors. Children nurtured by adequate love and care from families develop compassion for others, regardless of race, appearance, or identity. Students who have bullied in the past should be strictly monitored by schools and adults. It is critical that they engage in psychological activities to be understood and applied behavioral approaches, methods to their current states accordingly. More emphasis should also be placed on what content that exposed to them daily preventing the approach of murderous and inhumane information that comes into many types.

Bullying is a major problem with a variety of underlying causes. This problem, however, can be addressed and avoided with the help and support of adults, particularly parents.
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 10,933 3567  
Jun 6, 2021   #2
You come in with a strong, although a bit grammatically incorrect (in the first sentence) prompt restatement and thesis statement. You have provided a clear opinion with regards to the causes and possible solution to the issue. You will definitely get a passing TA score because of the easily understandable and well- directed responses.

parents' care

The correct term, in reference to the preceding presentation, is " attention " and / or "supervision ".

teenagers raised in slums are inclined to bullyin

..slums BEING inclined to...

paramount of importance

Improper grammar. The proper presentation is : ... of paramount importance... This is a GRA and LR error.

psychological activities

Don't overcomplicate the discussion. Who should be in charge of this ? Teachers or parents ? Use simple responses that will not require a topic deviation to further discuss.

More emphasis should also be placed on what content that exposed to them

Because? Why? Whose responsibility ? Too much deviated explanations are involved which complicate the discussion Your presentation was off to a good start but, you seem to be losing control with regards to cohesiveness and coherence. Keep it simple to get a better score. Don't over-analyze. Simple discussions and opinions based on personal experience/s would have sufficed This is starting to sound like a thoroughly researched paper which cannot be done during the actual test.

The essay is good and meets the scoring requirements but, may have some LR, GRA, and C + C scoring issues that will hold back the final score.


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