You come in with a strong, although a bit grammatically incorrect (in the first sentence) prompt restatement and thesis statement. You have provided a clear opinion with regards to the causes and possible solution to the issue. You will definitely get a passing TA score because of the easily understandable and well- directed responses.
The correct term, in reference to the preceding presentation, is " attention " and / or "supervision ".
teenagers raised in slums
are inclined to bullyin
..slums BEING inclined to...
Improper grammar. The proper presentation is : ... of paramount importance... This is a GRA and LR error.
Don't overcomplicate the discussion. Who should be in charge of this ? Teachers or parents ? Use simple responses that will not require a topic deviation to further discuss.
More emphasis should also be placed on what content that exposed to them
Because? Why? Whose responsibility ? Too much deviated explanations are involved which complicate the discussion Your presentation was off to a good start but, you seem to be losing control with regards to cohesiveness and coherence. Keep it simple to get a better score. Don't over-analyze. Simple discussions and opinions based on personal experience/s would have sufficed This is starting to sound like a thoroughly researched paper which cannot be done during the actual test.
The essay is good and meets the scoring requirements but, may have some LR, GRA, and C + C scoring issues that will hold back the final score.