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Have there been any bumps in the road in your life.


Moni09 3 / 4  
Dec 2, 2008   #1
I met Siobban in kindergarten on my first day at Village Elementary. Siobban may not have known what to do, but she always attempted to, and that created our unique relationship. While learning to Double Dutch in third grade, I broke my wrist and was mocked for jumping with one hand. Instead of mocking me, Siobban taught me how to jump to cheer me up. Throughout those six years, our bond grew so strong that people automatically thought of me when they saw her, and visa versa.

The summer after fifth grade ended, Siobban moved to Kissimmee, Florida. Even though I was upset that she had to leave, our friendship became stronger; we would talk every day. I remember what I was watching on TV on that horrible day when my other best friend, Vanessa, told me that Siobban had died in a car accident while moving back to Fort Lauderdale. I tried not to cry because Siobban wouldn't want me to but as I thought about our old memories and viewed her body at the funeral, I broke down into tears.

Sometimes I sat in my room and cried because I was angry that I would have to experience life without my best friend. Even to this day I reflect on all the lessons that she taught me, like appreciating life, and not taking things too seriously. Ironically, if I had not lost her, I would not have become a more appreciative and helpful person. Siobban's constant selflessness helped me to become a person that loves assisting others. Since middle school I have participated in peer counseling and mentor programs. In my Best Buddies program, we had a Thanksgiving luncheon and a special needs girl, Shangria, thanked the program for helping her adapt to mainstream school. This experience has made helping people worthwhile.

Word Count: 304

i need help making this sound more college acceptable

EF_Kevin 8 / 13,335 129  
Dec 2, 2008   #2
Siobban may not always have known what to do, but she always attempted things, and that created our unique relationship.

Over six years, our bond grew so strong that people automatically thought of me when they saw her, and visa versa.

Ironically, if I had not lost her, I might not have become the appreciative and helpful person that I am.

Usually it is best not to use contractions in formal writing, but instead to write out the two words separately.

:)

Kevin
hasnaahmed 3 / 21  
Dec 2, 2008   #3
I would suggest you to start your first line by saying something unique about Siobban. Don't reveal your secret in the first line. Such as you can start by saying I still remember the greatest smile of Siobban when we played Double Dutch together. Then you can introduce her to your readers. Try to hook your first sentence in the eys of readers.
arthas13 - / 1  
Dec 3, 2008   #4
I agree with hasnaahmed.Maybe try and inverse your story,start from the end.If you wanted this esay to be semi-formal you succeded but if you want it to be informal and f you want to get your readers to really feel your pain I'd suggest:using more adjectives,use metaphores and such.


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