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IELTS Task 2 : Being an Business Owner or Working for a Company?

dinartika19 37 / 67 6  
Sep 2, 2016   #1
Some people decide to start their own business instead of working for a company or organisation. Do the advantages for people working for their own business outweigh the disadvantages?

It's becoming increasingly popular for people to become an entrepreneur rather than getting a job in the workplace. Although there are some challenge and and disadvantages to build own factory, I believe that future dream often overweighs any problems. There are two main difficulty to start business. The one that draw the most attention is the high modal they need to build the factories and buy the utensils. Unless the businessmen/women are rich enough, bankcrupty may be the hardest part they should face. A further disadvantage is an unstable income. This means the money you get is depends on how hard you work and sale products. It is very risky for your daily expenditure. On the other hand, make own business is everyone dream job. The main one, it can increase your social status. People who run business almost has a good comment from other people and it grows up their publicity. The other advantages is a leadership skill on your profile. Because it is your company, you learn how to manage people, estimate the cost you need and make a good plan to increase your profit. In addition, you have more flexible time to spend. You can manage what time you will come to your office and back from work. All in all, I think many people should have a better dream job, and that prestigious job is becoming an entrepreneur. These job can make people get higher social status from their environment, improve their leadership skill which better for their life and have a flexible time.
Maya29 14 / 18 14  
Sep 2, 2016   #2
Hi Dinarti, It is good to read your writing. Well, you have had some valuable suggestions here. Please allow me to add you some.

Please give attention about limitation and structure in IELTS essay. A good essay has to consist of:
- Introduction/overview (paraphrasing, thesis statement)
- Body Paragraph
- Conclusion
in task 2, you have to write not less than 250 words. You have to make a clear boundary of each parts you want to talk about (Don't write it all in one paragraph). Now, let's talk from the content.

I see that your first two sentences are your overview. It is good that you have paraphrased your question. However, you use redundant word in the first line, becoming and become. You can write as follows:

The majority of people choose to become an entrepreneur rather than getting a job in a corporation. or
It is becoming popular for majority of people to run their own company rather than working in a corporation.
(It is better to use simpler but clear sentences, and in IELTS (especially for academic purpose) please never abbreviate your words. Write "it is" not "it's". )

In thesis statement, you can also put some of your reasons to it so the reader can know exactly what are you going to tell.

You have had a good idea to explain in both side (disadvantages and advantages) but please describe it in the coherent way. A good body paragraph has to include:

- One idea paragraph (topic sentence, reason, example or scientific fact, conclusion of topic sentence)
- Multiple idea (topic sentence, reason1, example 1, reason 2, example 2, etc, conclusion)
I suggest you to write in this order:
-Body paragraph 1 (disadvantages)
-Body paragraph 2 (advantages)

Here are my suggestions. You have a great idea in this essay, unfortunately it is less of coherence and unsystematic. Please reduce the redundancy in the words you used and you can read many good examples of IELTS essay as your reference. I hope my suggestions can help you. Keep writing.. :)

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