IELTS - Some business prohibits smoking in any of their offices

Hi,
I will be sitting for IELTS in 3 weeks time. Highly appreciate if you can feedback the accuracy of my narrative and also the rating. So that I can find where am I. Thanking you in advance.

Question: Some business prohibits smoking in any of their offices. Some governments have banned smoking in all public places. Do you agree or disagree that this is the right course of action. Give reasons for your opinion.

Answer:
There is no doubt that smoking or in other words cigarettes is a hot topic in today's world. As a solution for this controversial matter, some governments have imposed strict rules to stop smoking in public while some companies have restricted smoking in their office premises.

On one side of the debate, there are those who oppose the limitation of smoking for several reasons. This group argues that, smoking is a natural habit or a fashion of them, therefore, it is unfair that the consuming cigarettes with restrictions because they have a right for their habit and one should have freedom to do fashion in whatever the method that they wishes. Another strong argument is that it can relief the stress and helps to cope with the work pressure. However, I believe that there are number of alternatives for these circumstances and introducing laws against the smoking does not contain negative impacts.

There are strong evidences to support these regulations on smoking. One main reason is that the health problems which results from cigarettes. Burning a cigarette will add increasing toxic substances to air which is shared by all the living beings. Increasing number of diseases caused by smoking demands considerable amount of money to cure them and also it will negate the ability or the strength of a person. Passive smoking is another issue that requires restricting smoking. One good illustration of this is, when a man smokes where another sits next to him at an office or stands besides at a bus-stop, the non-smoker will have to consume smoke even though the person does not like it. Likewise, there are number of troubles that causes by smoking which leads to believe that the governments and companies move is correct and the best option.

Considering all, in my opinion smokers got alternatives for their reasons of smoking: cigarettes harm the community and therefore agree on exclusion of smoking. Furthermore, prevention is just the first step and authorities should implement awareness of the negative impacts of cigarettes.

Your essay is good
In introduction, its good to have a thesis statement, saying whether your are gonna write a balanced/ for/ against arguments
There is no doubt that smoking or in other words cigarettes is a hot topic in today's world.
Topic is more about controlling cigarettes in public place. Also, cigarettes are not hot topic but controlling such behavior in public place is a hot issue So you can perhaps, say :

whether to ban smoking in public place is a hot topic in today's world

This group argues that, smoking is a natural habit or a fashion of them, therefore, it is unfair that the consuming cigarettes with restrictions because they have a right for their habit and one should have freedom to do fashion in whatever the method that they wishes

This sentence has 47 words...very very long ..Try to keep words not more than 15

does not contain negative impacts.
One main reason is that the health problems which results from cigarettes -- This is not complete sentence just a fragment
Burning a cigarette will add increasing toxic substances to air which is shared by all the living beings
perhaps you can write Cigarette smoke

Ideas are good but try to keep sentences short

Hi, Kumkap,
Based on my limited experience, your introduction didn't present your dintinct opinion, which should be a need for those topic with" agreed and disagreed"


There are several resons for those who oppose ...may be better


very confused

to gtamani:Thanks so much for your time. It helped me a lot to locate my common mistakes
tiyuok : Thanks my friend. Now, I got this point : in this type of task, I should clearly give my point in introduction.

any idea on where am I on 0-9 scale?