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TOEFL Essay " Business Research Center OR Agriculture Center"


ana_p 27 / 81  
May 15, 2012   #1
Hi all,

Please check my short essay on agriculture and help me with some more ideas.

A university plans to develop a new research center in your country. Some people want a center for business research. Other people want a center for research in agriculture (farming). Which of these two kinds of research centers do you recommend for your country? Use specific reasons in your recommendation.

I would recommend a research center for agriculture (farming) in my country. I am from India and India is an agriculture country. About 70% of our population depends on agriculture. 1/3 of national income comes from agriculture. Economy of our country is based on agriculture. So, development of agriculture will help in economic development of country.

All industries need some raw material, many of them are agro based industries like textile, oil industries etc. Agriculture sector provides raw material to such agro based industries like cotton, sugar, oil seeds and many others. Agriculture not only provide raw material to agro based industries but also to other industries. So, agriculture directly or indirectly helps in the development of the business or industries. If research center will develop, then researchers will study current conditions of the country and can guide us accordingly. Researchers will educate the farmers about correct methods of farming; use of pesticides and insecticides; use of fertilizers; use of improved seeds and machineries by considering climate conditions, which will improve and increase agricultural production.

There are many agricultural universities and colleges where researchers can arrange seminars to introduce their new techniques or methods to students. Students can personally experience that and then can try to educate the farmers. There are many other modes of introducing these new methods to people like television advertisements and radio. Government is trying everything which is possible to improve and if research center will develop then no days are away to grow a gold.

Thanks,
Ana.

Elena_lovSL - / 5  
May 16, 2012   #2
I've just done a grammatical correction but that still does'nt save the essay .
Firstly, your essay has a certain lack of flow and your ideas keep on repeating over and over again. ( Eg- In the Para abt Agro center, you keep putting the ideas of it's impact on Industries)

Also you hav'nt answered the question accurately. The question clearly mentions "your choice" but you have vaguely just given the positives of either sides and not concluded which one of them you would prefer among the two in your homeland.

I'd say start your essay all over again and this time be precise with your choice " Either Agro center or Business Center" and NOT both.

Waiting for your New and Improved essay!! Good Luck (:


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