Assignment: Using an observation taken from a journal which was designed simply for daily observational purpose; we are required to elaborate on one or more observations, discussing personal meanings behind them.
Any feedback regarding paragraph/sentence structure, grammar/punctuation, sentence fluency, paragraph transitions, as well as comments on intro/conclusion and thesis welcome. So really if you could help improve my paper in any way, that would be greatly appreciated. Thanks in advance!
The Will of the Butterflies
By Addison Shaw
Summer gasps its last few dying breaths as its scorching heat subsides and leaves begin to fall. A cold front sets in as the willow trees arch their backs at impressive angles, contorting their branches to cope with the long anticipated changes of autumn. Hundreds of dancers clothed in fall hues careen through the air shifting their weight gracefully to stay in flight. Somewhere amongst all the chaos, a single butterfly spreads its delicate wings to avoid collision with the many obstacles in its path. Appearing as though it were the sole survivor of a tragic carnage, it finds a path to its many disguised comrades hidden amongst the leaves. Looking ahead at the trials they are about to face, they trust their instinct to lead the way. Their purpose and reasoning for this is somewhat unclear -- Is it simply to survive the inevitable winter that awaits them, to start a new family to keep the life cycle flowing, or perhaps it is to preserve the memories of the past.
Survival is of course one of the most important aspects of life. When it comes to butterflies however, it is more than just an aspect; it is a way of life. Everything they do revolves around the simple notion of survival. The escape from winter, the start of a family, all help them advance their race towards another flourishing generation. Unable to endure the harsh winter that will undoubtedly eradicate their race from the planet, the butterflies' instinct requires them to escape to a more sustainable climate, where they can continue their pattern. The continuity of their race is key, as they seek out the best possible route towards the south, and a brighter future. Survival can be used by any race, and should be, because it will keep our ideas as well as everything we have worked for to continue to thrive.
Their survival cycle isn't so uncomplicated though; the turmoil they will face along the way is not easy for them. They live under the constant danger of predators, and casualties caused by natural occurrences. The butterflies will suppress this danger though, for the sake of the next generation; as they always have. Finding a mate to start the next multitude of butterflies is second on the list of instinctual necessities; a task that they will no doubt accomplish for themselves as well as their entire existence. The butterflies' belief of a brighter future is consistent throughout their lives, and will prevent their ideas from dying with them. The truth is that the human race itself could learn something from these creatures. Preservation of traditions through survival of the race would in essence create a better future for the next generation by allowing them to learn from our mistakes.
By allowing their future generations the chance to be shown the way things work in the world, the butterflies secure their spawns' safety. The idea of safety is not allowed to be caught up in the great web of illusion. Instead it is directly passed down as though the butterflies were a single mind. This thought invokes the possibility that the butterflies notions and beliefs aren't just instinct but rather memories dating back to the very first of their kind. Of course that is what instinct is: a thought process directed towards the will to survive. The butterflies pass on their memories of life to the next generation through instinct. Do we humans, like the butterflies, know things instinctively? Or is it something we must learn someday through teaching or by trial and error?
The fact of the matter is: butterflies are ultimately able to continue their infinite cycle of life; whether it comes from the instinct to escape turmoil, creating the next generation of life cycling butterflies, or simply to pass down the traditions and memories of their predecessors. Life will go on. So when autumn brings its life ending chaos to the world, there will always be that single butterfly; dancing amongst the deeds of death itself, reminding us that there will always be the will to survive, to love and to remember.
I am impressed from the start.
Here is how I would write this sentence:
Somewhere amongst all in the chaos, a single butterfly spreads--- I think it is better if it is swifter, not stopped up by "amongst all" but... your way is just as good. This is just an idea for you to consider. I suspect I will not find many errors in this excellent piece of writing, so I'll give little ideas here and there.
At the end of the first para, consider replacing the dash with a colon and ... also, you need a question mark instead of a period at the end.
Survival is of course one of the most important aspects of life. ----- I think this is a laughable statement of the obvious, and I think you can find a more meaningful comment to make about survival at the beginning of this para. Reread the para and think about the possibility of improving this introductory sentence to the para. Writing "of course" does not make it okay to make a statement of the obvious... tweak it so that it says something more.
...whether it comes from requires the instinct to escape turmoil, the creation of the next generation of life cycling butterflies, or simply the passing down of traditions and memories of predecessors.
:-)
