When it comes to how to spend money, there are those who argue that it is wise to invest in the improvement of their presentation, while others hold the opposite view and suggest that money can be better spend on other pressing areas. This essay will explore both aspects and then demonstrate why the latter argument should be upheld.
Focusing on why some people believe that expenditure on the improvement of their appearance can be justified fist of all, the primary reason is that a desirable presentation increases their attractiveness, benefitting their social connection and leading to success in their career. It is true that those whop send a large amount of their money on appearance are more likely to have superior appearance and this attracts others' attention and raises the likelihood of making friends. This is of great benefit to expanding people's circle of friends. Networking has been an essential factor in many countries such as Australia when it comes to finding a job, so the investment in appearance is worth as it may result in career success.
Despite the importance of presentation, other aspects of life is of paramount importance, so they deserve investment more. The main one is education, because it offers people skills and knowledge. They are what numerous employers demand these days. Even if a person has superior presentation, he or she will no secure a post if they do not have proper qualifications. Another significant area is health. A healthier life is far more important than appearance what is superficial to a certain extent.
Taking both the aforementioned views into consideration, although spending on appearance can be reasonable for some people, my stance on this is that funds can be better utilised in education and health, because they are of great assistance to success in one's career and life.
Despite the importance of presentation, other aspects of life is of paramount importance, so they deserve more investment more . The main (most important?) one is education, because it offers people skills and knowledge. They are what numerous employers demand these days (i think you could say "Which are needed to secure good occupation"). Even if a person has superior presentation, he or she will not secure a post if they do not have proper qualifications. Another significant area is health. A healthier life is far more important than appearance what is superficial to a certain extent.
and also, you could change "presentation" with "appearance"
I did what I can =)
Thanks a lot for the comments.
Hi FigoIELTS,
Here are my suggestion.
- "fist of all": do you mean "first of all"?
- "send a large amount of their money on outer beauty"
- I think in the 3rd paragraph you should give some real example, it will probably add your point.
In general, your ideas are good but you need use the words properly
I hope it helps.
