Unanswered [0] | Urgent [0]

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 7

Ielts task 1 Wi-fi café, internet express and café cool in New York

Maitouyen282 9 / 26 3  
Mar 28, 2017   #1
The prompt says:The graph shows the income of four cafes in Newyork over last year. Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features. Make the comparisons where relevant

Internet Expenses

The line graph gives the breakdown of the profit in millions of dollar of the tea room, Wi-fi café, internet express and café cool in New York over the previous year. Overall, it is clear that while the profit of four café experienced some fluctuations, the general trend climbed, more than twice in a region of 250 million in January to 500 million in December. While the pay of Café cool, Internet Express and especially Wi-fi café jumped steadily, the tea room declined enormously.

There was a dramatic rise in the income of Wi-fi café. Between January to December, there was more than fourfold, 50 million to 190 million, respectively, with peaking in September approximately 60 million of dollars. By contrast, the tendency of the tea room which was the only earnings was downwards, decreasing from160 million in January to nearly 50 million, a reduction of sixteen out of five.

By comparison, the income of internet express experienced a smaller rise than Wifi café from January to December, an increase of seven out of six, 120million and 140 million, in turn. While the trend of four months between April and July was flat, approximately 80 million, the proportion in August started staging a recovery. Similarly, the tendency for café cool was moderately upwards, growing from 30 million of salary to 100 million, respectively, more than three in ten

yuukinohan4 9 / 24 6  
Mar 28, 2017   #2
hi @Maitouyen282

... in a region of 250 million in January to 500 million in December.

I am not sure what figure you mention is, but i want to suggest that in summary of Writing task 1, you should avoid to include numbers.

with peaking in September approximately 60 million of dollars.

peaking? in fact, the line chart showed a dramatic decline in September.

in turn

you also are able to replace 'in turn' with respectively or consecutively.

hope it helps you
OP Maitouyen282 9 / 26 3  
Mar 29, 2017   #3
Please help me score this essay
agus_mono 13 / 23 2  
Mar 29, 2017   #4

i have just read whole your essay. firstly, you wrote an overview clearly, unfortunately, it was very detail. As i know, we have to summarize the general trend or you can make a comparison by time or you compare each features. a slight problems also were found on your essay. sometimes you used past sentence and sometimes you write with past tense. make sure the time on the question first, and use the appropriate tenses.
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 10,630 3476  
Mar 29, 2017   #5
To, let me start by pointing out the problems with the essay. First of all, the indication of the figures is given in the chart is in the hundreds of dollars, as represented by the chart explanation of "000s Dollars". 3 figures is in the hundreds, 4 figures, in the thousands, 6 figures, in the millions. I really cannot find any indication that the income provided is in the millions of dollars. You once again failed to properly summarize the prompt requirement for presentation in the summary overview. You still have the same problems with regards to your run on sentences which prevent you from completing the minimum 3 paragraph requirement. You neglected to properly capitalize the names of the businesses, which are all proper nouns. You did not place a period at the end of the final sentence in the closing paragraph, thus leaving the sentence hanging. These problems will crate major score deductions in terms of the GRA considerations. You also forgot to discuss the overlapping income of Internet Express and Wi-Fi Cafe. These small problems always have big repercussions when it comes to scoring you so that it seems that you cannot get a score much higher than a 4 or 5. Depending upon what other considerations the examiner might have when scoring your essay.
Mayank7g 9 / 17  
Mar 30, 2017   #6
Improper summarization of the main topic and you have not complete the sentence properly.
Reza_Hidayat 13 / 18 1  
Apr 1, 2017   #7
Your overview was very detail, you only need to mention the general trend and make comparison, it is better if you present the key features in body paragraph, you are still focus on details and you use limited structure.

Home / Writing Feedback / Ielts task 1 Wi-fi café, internet express and café cool in New York