I have two feedback for your letter. Correct me if I am wrong.
To begin with, its consists of 200+ words which not only kill your valuable time but also create provisions of more grammatical errors.
Furthermore, I did not find anything related with the segment to describe ' - state the reason for it not being in use.' You may lose some marks in 'task completion section'.
Pardon me, I mistaken your name in above post.It was a typo.
One more focus point regarding the correct way of ending .
As this is a Formal Type letter and we should know the surname of Manager, so i would prefer to end with something like below.
Hi Zhou, WELCOME to the Essay Forum Team, below are my thoughts on your letter.
First of all, I believe the purpose of the letter has not been met, simply because, the plot of the letter says, the reason for the closure is because the cafeteria is not used at all, therefore,you should cite a reason why the school should not close the cafeteria even if it's not in use, one reason can be that, the cafeteria can use as a gathering hall,a practice area or a stand by facility in cases that a room is required.
Next, the prompt is definitely asking for certain activities that can be done in order for the cafeteria to be kept open as well as for it to be maintained and properly kept. Moreover, yo have to think of productive reasons in keeping it open and not just because you like staying or lounging in the area.
Further to your letter, as much as I want you to showcase the expenditures needed to keep the place, this is not the right forum to state this issues, you have to re- write this letter and strengthen the reasons or initiative to keep the cafeteria open. I hope this insights helped and I wish to review the final letter very soon.