Unanswered [7] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 4

[IELTS Writing Task1- letter] The cafeteria is planned for closure


kenchowcn 1 / 1  
Sep 9, 2016   #1
Task 1:
You heard that the cafeteria at your work is planned for closure as it's not in use. Write a letter to your manager and request to cancel this decision.

In your letter.
- state the reason for it not being in use.
- why is it important to leave it open?
- suggest what to do with this place.

Answer:


Dear Kim,

I am writing to request to cancel a decision that company has decided to close the cafeteria next month. I hope you would negotiate with administrators after my suggestions.

We have already understood that our company has been facing financial difficulties since last year. So this is the main reason that administrative department suggested company to shut down the cafeteria for reducing extra expense.

As you may know, most of our colleagues are single, which means we couldn't bring our lunch from home everyday, because we usually choose overtime at company or go to gym after work. In addition, we don't know how to cook. So this cafeteria is quite convenient for us. Furthermore, the nearest restaurant is located ten miles from our office, so that will spend almost one hour to have a lunch. You can imagine that how important is the cafeteria's existence to us.

Honestly, I really enjoy working in our team, leaders are friendly and colleagues are talented. According to company financial circumstance, we can charge fee from colleagues who have a meal in the cafeteria, also we can open to the public. I am sure that will increase company profits.

Why don't we set up a meeting to have a further discussion. I look forward to hearing from you.

All the best,
Ken

mehbub 3 / 7  
Sep 9, 2016   #2
Hi Kim,

I have two feedback for your letter. Correct me if I am wrong.

To begin with, its consists of 200+ words which not only kill your valuable time but also create provisions of more grammatical errors.

Furthermore, I did not find anything related with the segment to describe ' - state the reason for it not being in use.' You may lose some marks in 'task completion section'.

Happy Writing.
mehbub 3 / 7  
Sep 9, 2016   #3
Hi, kenchowcn

Pardon me, I mistaken your name in above post.It was a typo.

One more focus point regarding the correct way of ending .

As this is a Formal Type letter and we should know the surname of Manager, so i would prefer to end with something like below.

Yours Sincerely
Ken
justivy03 - / 2,367 607  
Sep 9, 2016   #4
Hi Zhou, WELCOME to the Essay Forum Team, below are my thoughts on your letter.

First of all, I believe the purpose of the letter has not been met, simply because, the plot of the letter says, the reason for the closure is because the cafeteria is not used at all, therefore,you should cite a reason why the school should not close the cafeteria even if it's not in use, one reason can be that, the cafeteria can use as a gathering hall,a practice area or a stand by facility in cases that a room is required.

Next, the prompt is definitely asking for certain activities that can be done in order for the cafeteria to be kept open as well as for it to be maintained and properly kept. Moreover, yo have to think of productive reasons in keeping it open and not just because you like staying or lounging in the area.

Further to your letter, as much as I want you to showcase the expenditures needed to keep the place, this is not the right forum to state this issues, you have to re- write this letter and strengthen the reasons or initiative to keep the cafeteria open. I hope this insights helped and I wish to review the final letter very soon.


Home / Writing Feedback / [IELTS Writing Task1- letter] The cafeteria is planned for closure