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[TASK 1][CAM 12-TEST 8] The diagram below shows how geothermal energy is used to produce electricity

phuongsongao 3 / 5  
Sep 7, 2017   #1

geothermal energy as a base for the new electricity

The diagram illustrates how electricity is produced by using geothermal energy.

It is noticeable that there are five major stages in the process of manufacturing electric power, from cold water to the electricity that is used everyday by people all over the world.

At the first step of the process, a certain amount of cold water is pumped down into the earth at a depth of 4.5km. After that, it is put through the injection well then the Geothermal zone which contains hot rocks. In the next stage, the water continues to be passed into the production well and becomes hot water which is pumped up to the condenser.

The process begins with hot water being condensed to turn into steam. Following that, the steam has to go through a machine where it is rotated in a turbine and then generated to produce the final product which is the electricity.

Holt  Educational Consultant - / 13,726 4511  
Sep 7, 2017   #2
Gao, there are too many run on sentences in your essay. Rather than presenting continuous procedural steps, divide these steps into sentences. That way you increase the possibility that you will most likely be presenting a number of simple and complex sentences per paragraph. When you write run-on sentences, you limit the chance to increase your GRA score in the essay.

Your opening summary is not very efficient. It only provides information about the graph but nothing more. It should be at least 3 sentences long in order to qualify as a properly developed paragraph. That said, I would have presented the paragraph in this manner:

The illustration provides a diagram that detailed steps as to how electricity is generated in a geothermal power plant. In total, there are 5 steps involved. This essay will detail the steps involved in the production from the introduction of cold water, to the final process at the plant itself.

Notice that I introduced the type of diagram along with the purpose of the diagram without creating a run-on sentence. That is how you create a complex sentence presentation. The same follows for the rest of the sentences that I created for the summary overview.

I have to call your attention to the trending statement that you made. It was not necessary to include such a statement as that information is not presented in the actual diagram. Therefore, you are reporting misinformation as there is no source for the information that you are sharing with the reader. As such, the essay will lose points in the TA section due to inaccurate information. Stick to only verifiable information from the diagram. You do not want to lose major points simply on a technicality.
OP phuongsongao 3 / 5  
Sep 7, 2017   #3
Hi Holt,

Thank you so much for your feedback.
I understand that it would be better for the overview to contain more details. Besides, the steps should be divided into sentences. There is just one thing that confuses me. I've always thought that run-on sentences are the ones that contain too many ideas without proper punctuation and conjunctions. I agree that most of my sentences are unnecessarily long but they do have either punctuation or conjunctions. Could you please clarify this for me by analyzing some of the sentences? Are they really run-on sentences or just too long ones? I need to know to avoid making the same mistakes.

Thank you again for all your hard work.
LaLaLand999 3 / 6  
Sep 7, 2017   #4
Hello :) Your introduction is good enough (you paraphrased the information given by IELTS). Similarly, your overview is nice, namely, you mentioned that there are five stages in that process, referring to the first and the last one as the key features. Your first body paragraph is well described, but I can't say the same about the other one. It's not as descriptive as the first one; you are supposed to provide details in the body paragraphs, so you could have added more information.

Good luck with your preparation, and I would appreciate it if you could take a look at the thread I just started (IELTS: insufficient respect is shown to older people (reasons, problems in society) :)

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