Unanswered [3] | Urgent [0]

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 3

WRITING TASK 1_CAMBRIDGE 12: FAST FOOD - statistics in the USA

Bao Ngoc 1 / -  
Mar 13, 2020   #1
"My target is band 6.5 for IELTS writing. The picture below is the subject. Please check up my essay! Which band I will have from there? Thanks for your reply.

Fast foods popularity in the usa

The given chart compares the difference in American's custom of having fast food from 2003 to 2013.

Overall, in three main stages, the figures for people having processed food once per week accounted for overwhelming percentage. However, these data substantially declined in others groups.

Over the period shown, the number of American daily eating fast food reached the lowest rates. While the most people in both 2003 and 2006 having these dishes once a week, this number peaked at 32 percent in 2013 in group once or twice a month. The percentage of people having fast food once per week in 2006 reached at the same highest point with those eating once or twice per month in 2013.

Having high-fat food a few time per year had no change in rates, at 15 percent, from 2006 to 2013. This trend happend in the same period with people both daily and never eating fast food.

Tran Ha Chi 2 / 7 2  
Mar 13, 2020   #2
@Bao Ngoc
Thegiven chart compares ... (Personally, I think that this introduction is not really good. You should not use "the given chart", instead you can use "the bar chart" as an alternative. If I were you, this would be my introduction " The bar chart compares the frequency of eating at fast food restaurant of people in the USA over the period of 10 years." It is just my personal introductionm you can use it to make some reference)

... accounted for an overwhelming percentage. (You have seen the trend of the chart but I think you need to work on your wordings so that the overal statement could be clearer.)

Over the shown period shown, the number of ... While the most people ...
... 2006 reached at the same highest ...

Here are some comments of mine:
- This task 1 essay is too short, you should consider extending it to 170-200 words so that your essay would be more detailed.
- The division in this essay somehow it is quite confusing, you should consider choosing another way to compare the figures.
- Wording is what you need to improve so that the essay can be well-explained.
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 11,948 3858  
Mar 14, 2020   #3
While the task 1 essay is too short at the moment, I can understand that this is your first time writing the essay. Therefore, you do not feel confident in writing more than the prescribed number of words yet. I do however, feel that you should slowly increase the word count in your essay over a period of time. That is because without increasing your word count, the essay will fail to increase your scoring possibilities. It is always better to write more, but not too many words in the essay. Try to explain yourself better. In this presentation, you are limiting your presentation to only what is direct. You need to look at the other aspects of your writing skills as well and try to increase your explanation to help you get a better C&C and GRA score.

By the way, you have a problem with your use of common words in the essay. You should have said "other groups", which is the commonly used phrase. A reference to "others groups" is a descriptive word mistake in reference to the plural form of a word (other - others).

Always complete your summary overview. You did not mention the types of comparison measurements used (frequency of eating out days), type of measurement used. You should have at least 3 comparison sentences per paragraph. That is why your essay feels too short and less informative than it should be. You did not focus on the comparison discussion as the prompt indicated. Hopefully, you will be able to do a better job in the next essay.

Not that you did a bad job with this essay. This essay is good enough, but could be better. You just need to gain the confidence to represent your discussion in an extended format when you can. That will help your essay inform the reader better.

Home / Writing Feedback / WRITING TASK 1_CAMBRIDGE 12: FAST FOOD - statistics in the USA