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IELTS: Canadian students graduated; 3 pharagraphs


andial 21 / 48 3  
Apr 14, 2014   #1
Hi temans, Kindly need your comment in my 3 pharagraphs IELTS task 1,

cheers,
Andial

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The line chart provides a breakdown regarding the growth of pupils graduated in Canada based on gender over a 15-year period between 1992 and 2007.

Overall, even though the number of female student graduated was always higher than the number of men, the increasing trends of both groups of students seems as likely to be similar. Interestingly, the gap between the number of women and men was wider and wider which female were 32% higher than man in the beginning and 52% at the end of period.

According to the given information, both student groups experienced a gradual increase from 1992 to 1995. In 2000, this growth continued up to 145000 (female) and 95000 (male), on average till the end of the period after facing a slight decrease in a next 5-year period after 1995, then flattened out at just over 70000 for male and 100000 for female. This was well above the increases that had been seen in the 1990s.





dumi 1 / 6,928 1592  
Apr 14, 2014   #2
You follow a good structure :)

The line chart provides a breakdown regarding the growth of pupils graduated in Canada based on gender over a 15-year period between 1992 and 2007.

Actually , growth is an inference from the graph. In the introduction, simply say what the graph presents;
The line graph provides information about male and female graduates in Canada from 1992 to 2007.

Overall, even though the number of female student graduated was always higher than the number of men, the increasing trends of both groups of students seems as likely to be similar. Interestingly, the gap between the number of women and men was wider and wider which female were 32% higher than man in the beginning and 52% at the end of period.

Overview should not contain data and details. They should move into the body paras(detailed paras) Here you should give the most obvious trend/ trends very briefly. For example;

Overall, both male and female graduates have grown in their numbers and the number of female graduates have always been higher than male graduates throughout the period under review.
Pahan 1 / 1,907 553  
Apr 15, 2014   #3
You follow a good structure :)

Yes, you follow the basic outline of the most appropriate structure (Intro, Overview and Details), but you need to have a better understanding about how each section should be presented.
Misnariah Idrus 19 / 35 4  
Apr 15, 2014   #4
pupils graduated in Canada

pupil: a person, especially a child at school, who is being taught (source: Cambridge Dictionary)

Overall, even though the number of female student graduated was always higher than the number of men

than that of men

According to the given information, both student groups experienced a gradual increase from 1992 to 1995.

I'm afraid of the usage of "According to the given information" will lead your reader to conclude that the information provided in your previous paragraph is not based on the chart.
eddies [Contributor] 25 / 1,198 464  
Apr 16, 2014   #5
a few words:

As per the basic rule, a paragraph is a collection of related sentences dealing with a single topic.
You have one idea and several bits of supporting evidence within a single paragraph.
Big B 1 / 3  
Apr 19, 2014   #6
Your total words is 160+, i think you could simplified some sentences such as

even though the number of female student graduated was always higher than the number of men

even though more females graduate from the university in the whole period(it is only male and female here )

the increasing trends of both groups of students seems as likely to be similar

they had a similar increasing trend

this growth

which

According to the given information,

more spcifically


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