I remember it as if it happened yesterday. I was having a great time at a friend's house with other friends. Soon I had to leave because I had homework to do. My Mother came to pick me up. I sat in the back seat since I wasn't allowed to sit in the front. I remember the weather that day it was very cold and it was raining like cats and dogs. I was looking through the window the whole time while my mom was driving. I went into a deep day dream, thinking about what I will do tomorrow I was thinking about going to the mall to shop. Suddenly I felt the impact, it was the strongest impact I have ever felt in my life. My mother tried to stop our car as fast as she could but her leg slipped from the brake pedal and it was too late. The impact was so strong that it made me bang my head on the front seat. Suddenly as I thought it was all over, another vehicle came right behind us and another accident occurred, it was painful. I lifted my head to look up, I saw my mother, she was conscious but she could not move. I heard the siren from the ambulance. I looked out of the window and saw police men approaching. They took my mom in the ambulance car, my uncle came to stay with me so I would not be alone. There was a lot of traffic , every car that passed by would stare at the car accident that happened as if the cars were gold, no man passed by without looking. The next thing that I remember is that I woke up in my bed, the first thing on my mind was my mother , I rushed out of my room and went to her bed room and found her sleeping in her bed I was relieved and happy, my heart was relaxed and I started breathing normally again. I went next to her and stared at her for a short amount of time, examining if she had any injures, there were just minor injuries I got in her bed and slept next to her.
I was wondering if some1 can tell me if i have any mistakes? i need to continue the story but i cant expand it, any ideas???
At first, I was thinking the sentences were to short, or choppy. Then I noticed they gave the essay a sense of urgency, which works here.
I went into a deep daydream , thinking about my trip to the mall tomorrow.
My mother tried to stop our car as fast as she could but her legfoot slipped from the brake pedal and it was too late.
I lifted my head to look up and saw my mother, she was conscious but she could not move.
The next thing that I remember is that I woke up in my bed, and the first thing on my mind was my mother. I rushed out of my room and went to her bed room and found her sleeping in her bed. I was relieved and happy, my heart was relaxed and I started breathing normally again.
This is an interesting essay, you are a good writer!
:)
thanks:) do u have any ideas how can i continue the story??
Here is something I missed... this is a run-on sentence unless you change to a semi-colon:
Suddenly I felt the impact; it was the strongest impact I have ever felt in my life.
As for how to continue the story... it's best to create some conflict for tension, so that the reader wants some resolution to the tension. I don't know how long it is supposed to be, but as you continue you can write a paragraph to surprise the reader with a problem that needs to be resolved and then go on to provide a resolution.
I went next to her and stared at her for a short amount of time, examining her for injures. There were just minor injuries. I got in her bed and slept next to her.
College Essay ( An incident that occured)
Need some advice on how I can improve the flow of this essay and the wording. All help is appreciated!
First try to focus on maintaining the structure of the essay. I mean there should be introduction which clearly presents the overview of what you are going to discuss in your essay. In the body of essay you write short paragraphs. Each paragraph should have a thesis statement and it should be supported with adequate evidence and examples. In conclusion you simply restate what you have written in introduction. Simple is that
