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Dang Khoa 11 / 42  
Jun 18, 2019   #1

extinction of some animal species - Should we be concerned?

Question: Many think that we should focus on the extinction of certain animal species, while others think we should pay attention to human's problems. Discuss both sides and give your opinion

My essay:
There is a heated debate about whether people should be cautious with the shortage of some particular animal species or concentrate on human's issues. This essay will discuss both perspectives and give my own commentary.

On the one hand, putting human's problem to the first priority is undeniable. First and foremost, human, the superior species, can almost create anything. Thus, even there is an extinction of some animals, they could create a new species with higher quality with their developed technology. Secondly, humans have the utmost brain on Earth, which means they can set rules, laws, modernize anything and other aspects such as fashion and games. In other words, they can make the world better when animals can not because they only know to consume.

However, the extinction of some special animal species can cause big trouble for humans. Take developing countries like Vietnam for example, if the buffalos and cows are all extinct, the agriculture will drop dramatically because of lacking tractions. If chickens are also all eliminated, famous fast-food shops like Mac Donald, KFC or BBQ will be bankrupted. Follow that consequences, many employers from all around the world will lose their job and many more problems will occur.

In my view, both standpoints are all equally essential. Nevertheless, they are still based on many complicated aspects. Speaking about morals, making a whenever species completely gone is such an evil, gruesome activity, and the consequences are stated before. However, if the human is in urgent situations such as tsunamis, earthquakes, floods and other catastrophes, then they are more important.

In conclusion, both perspectives all have its pros and seemingly equally crucial. Howerver, one of them will be more significant than the other are all based on that situation.

290 words count

dodquynh 2 / 5 2  
Jun 18, 2019   #2
Hey there,
First of all, I think your essay is pretty good grammatically. However in the third paragraph you were talking about cows, buffalos and chickens and I personally think that those animals are not really the main focus of this topic. When it comes to the extinction of animals I think we should focus on wild and endangered animals and their impact on biodiversity and stuff. Of course talking about castles is technically fine but since they are raised by human and there are so many of them, it would be quite unrealistic to talk about their distinction.

Hope you find this helpful
OP Dang Khoa 11 / 42  
Jun 20, 2019   #3
Thx @dodquynh, ur right, i should change my 3rd paragraph bc it's unrealistic! Thx again
Maria - / 1,099 389  
Jun 20, 2019   #4
@Dang Khoa
Hi there!

Thanks for being a consistent, active participant in the forum. Let me try my best to provide you with feedback on this essay.

For the most part, I find that your essay is well-written in that you were able to relay the message that you wished to showcase while, at the same time, being able to focus on articulating with a firmer tone that massively took advantage of examples to retell your side of the story. Well done.

I would only recommend that you try to revise your essay in a way that way structure and create a more informative tone. Enforcing this academic language will help you curate a more substantive content in the long-run. Bear this in mind as you are writing.

Observe the following revisions:

On the one hand, putting human's problem to the first priority is undeniable are undeniably to be prioritized. Firstly and foremost, human, ... Thus, e Even if there is an extinction ..., they could can create a new enhanced species with higher quality with their using developed technology. ... rules, laws, and modernize anything and other aspects ... ... world better when whereas animals can not because they only know to consume.

Notice how trimming down your essay will help you create a more straightforward and yet effective way of transmitting your thoughts into text.

Best of luck as always.