IELTS: Who should care for the elders?

Hi,

I am preparing for IELTS and hence need feedback on the below essay, in terms of content and grammar:

Topic:
In Britain, when someone gets old they often go to live in a home with other old people where there are nurses to look after them. Sometimes the government has to pay for this care.

Who do you think should pay for this care, the government or the family?
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

Answer:

Age is certainly a critical factor in determining a person's health. As one grows old, age catches up and it is accompanied with aging issues.

However, in countries such as the U.K. there are old age homes for the elderly to be taken care of by employed care-takers and nurses. At times, some of these care centres are public and the government pays for caring the aged.

Considering citizens of a country serve it in various areas and enable a nation's upliftment, I think it is imperative for the government to play an active role in helping them in their hour of need.

Also,t he government receives taxes and must utilize it for a better lifestyle for people of all ages, especially the old. Having said that, family members of the aged individuals, who stay in homes, must ensure that they pay required money to the care centres as it is their primary duty to look after family elders. In fact, they must avoid sending their loved ones to homes and look after them.

Certainly, it makes a huge difference to being looked after by one's near and dear ones as opposed to nurses in care centres. But if due to some unavoidable reasons or circumstances, enough care is unavailable at home, then only elders must be sent away.But,the primary responsibility for payment of external care has to be borne by family members of the individual concerned. If not fully, at least some ownership, for example, medical expenses should be sponsored by the family whilst other expenses are funded by the government.

All in all, I think both the government and family members of the aged should jointly sponsor the fees of care centres and ensure a good life for the old and elderly.

as long as i know, the name of country is not followed by article 'the', exception for The United States


(i'm confuse with this sentence)
Also, government receives taxes and utilizes which is better influences for helping older people.


please rewrite this sentence.

(pay attention with your grammar)

You should recognise about five types of paragraph:
1. Sequence
2. Problem and solution
3. Cause and effect
4. Listing
5. Comparation and contrast.

you have to make this essay consists of approximately 4-5 paragraph. I suggest you to make 5 paragraph:
1. Introduction : general ideas, you should mention thesis statements.
2. Body 1 : detail of thesis statement 1
3. Body 2 : detail of thesis statement 2
4. Additional statement
5. Conclusion

You have to make your reader more curiously, do not make predictable paragraph. Moreover, coherent and cohesion are essential thing when you make every single sentence.

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That's right.
While waiting for the diagram, I already rectified some grammatical mistakes.


However, in countries such as U.K, there are old age homes allotted for the elderly and these are taken care of by employed stewards and nurses. At times, some of these care centres are subsidized by the government.


In my point of view, it is imperative for the government to help those people who are in need.


[In addition, the government funds should be utilized in a way all people will experience a better lifestyle, especially the old. Furthermore, those relatives of the aged should do their duty upon paying the required money needed to fulfill all the primary necessities in the care centres.

We can use "the" before a country name if it is a group of islands or common noun such as the United Kingdom, the United States of America, the Netherlands and the Bahamas, just to name a few.


I think you should state your opinion right in the introduction as to who should be responsible for taking care of the elder people.

Age is certainly a critical factor in determining a person's health

Age is certainly a critical factor in determining of a person's health

However, in countries such as the U.K. there are old age homes for the elderly to be taken care of by employed care-takers and nurses. At times, some of these care centres are public and the government pays for caring the aged.

i think, you should mention more than one country because you already write 'in countries' which means more than one country

when you put 'but' in the beginning of the sentence, i suggest you to put comma after 'but'

In my opinion, this only repeats what is already stated in the prompt and does add much value to your response.

Also I agree with Mister Wandering, Its better to state your opinion and back it up with good logical reasons.

Apart from that, since the prompt specifically mentions about giving personal examples, I suggest addressing the same by giving examples of any personal experience or observation that influenced your opinion.

Thanks, It will also be helpful if you can rate my essay form a band of 1-9 as per IELTS