Unanswered [2] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 11

Career, exploration, travel, home - check these paragaphs


Thuong 3 / 13  
Apr 15, 2009   #1
Hi everybody,
Here are my introduction and conclusion paragraphs of four topics and I would like you to check and give comments on them. I appreciate all your comments. I'm excited to receive your replies soon!^_^

1. Choosing a carrer:
With the speedy development of economics nowadays, the world of work is changing and more demanding. Therefore, jobseekers need to adapt to these changes and approach a suitable job. Here come three fundamental qualifications to get a good job: good time management, flexibility and teamwork skills.

In conclusion, jobseekers will have more chance to get a good job if each can reach the requirement in terms of time management, flexibility and teamwork skills. It is advised that those social skills be formed during university time as initial steps in one's career.

2. Space exploration:
Human beings are experiencing a rapid development of science and technology. It is agreed that space exploration, which attracts a lot of leading scientists' attention in global scale, brings enormous benefits for human race. In a closer look, the knowledge gained from the exploration of space has created innovative technology and contributed to a safer environment.

To conclude, substantial benefits from exploring space in technology and environment are undeniable. It is hoped that thanks to space exploration mankind can not only raise the living standards on earth but also find out new planet to settle in.

3. Foreign travel:
The higher standards of living in the current society leads to the increasing demands for entertainment. In these days, people tend to choose travelling, especially foreign travel for the fact that they will be able to both enjoy natural beauty spots and learn various cultures of nations in the world. However, troubles in terms of expenses, security and health during foreign travel should be paid more attention by tourists to have a holiday as expected.

In summary, foreign tourists should not only prepare well for money but also look into security matter and healthcare service in the target countries in advance. It is time for travel agencies to give appropriate policies to protect tourists' rights so that they can bring their best national image to the world.

4. Leaving home:
Today, people tend to leave home at their earlier stage of life than in the past. It is believed that leaving home is one of the most important decisions one person will ever make in his/ her life. When it comes to reasons of leaving home in the youth, three main categories are seen: to work or study in another town, to live with a partner and to escape from broken relationships with parents.

To summarize, it is seen that more and more young people leave home for different reasons. No matter what the reasons are, they should prepare well to cope with difficulties when leading an independent life.

EF_Kevin 8 / 13,335 129  
Apr 16, 2009   #2
Therefore,job seekers need to adapt to these changes whilesearching for a suitable job.

It is agreed that space exploration, which attracts a lot of leading scientists' attention on a global scale, brings ...

... raise the living standards on earth but also find out new planets to settle on .

... the current society leads to the increasing demands for entertainment.

In These days, people tend to choose traveling , especially foreign travel (...) and learn about various cultures of nations in the world .

However, trouble in terms of expenses, (...) more attention to by tourists to have a holiday as expected.
This paragraph (above) needs some clarification.

In summary, foreign tourists should not only prepare well by bringing enough money, but they should also look into security matters and health care services in the target countries in advance.

Today, people tend to leave home at an earlier age than in the past.

... one of the most important decisions a person will ever make in his/ her life.

When it comes to reasons for leaving home, three main categories are seen: ...
To summarize, it is seen that more and more young people leave home for different reasons.
The sentence above seems unnecessary, as we all leave our parents homes sooner or later!

Is this your assignment, to only write intro and conclusion paragraphs?

:)
OP Thuong 3 / 13  
Apr 16, 2009   #3
Thank you for your help, Kevin =D
This is my assignment in my writing class. We are learning about essays and we practice with writing intro and conclusion paragraph of an essay first!

Thanks again!
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,335 129  
Apr 17, 2009   #4
In other threads in this forum, we discussed that, and Sean mentioned something interesting: "How can you introduce something that does not exist yet?" Is what I think he asked. Likewise, how can you "conclude" something that has not begun?

Paintings and poems and essays and stories are not necessarily written in the order they are to be received. I always, always always write the intro and conclusion last. I thought I'd mention that to you, because it seems very interesting and useful to me...
OP Thuong 3 / 13  
Apr 17, 2009   #5
Oh, maybe we are being taught in a different way here. We always write things in the order they are to be received. The introduction paragraph first, the supporting para next, and the conclusion para last.

However, in this assignment, my teacher required us to write the intro and conclusion paras before learning more about writing the body part of the essay (the supporting paras). I will try to write supporting paras first and intro and conclusion last as you suggested to see how it works.

Many thanks!!!! =)
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,335 129  
Apr 18, 2009   #6
Your welcome. It was through experience that I learned not to write the intro first. It's just like when you write a novel. you write the intro after it is completed -- probably.
MonkeyDDragon 4 / 10  
Apr 19, 2009   #7
Thank you. The experience is interesting. But do you think of how the introduction likes before writing the body (at least in outlining process)?
EF_Sean 6 / 3,491  
Apr 19, 2009   #8
These sorts of exercises are useful for teaching you about the basic intro and conclusion structures. Once you have your thesis and your main points, there is no reason you shouldn't be able to pound out a standard intro and conclusion for just about any essay. The only problem is that the standard, formulaic intros and conclusions tend to be fairly subpar. I once had a professor who asked the class not to bother writing a conclusion at all if it was just going to be the standard one they had learned in high school. As he put it, "I'm a pretty smart guy -- I can remember what you said three paragraphs ago. Please don't make me read a paragraph that doesn't say anything new. If each of you does that, I have to read thirty paragraphs of useless material before I can finish marking. I don't have time for that." So, do the assignment, get a good mark, but remember that it is an exercise for beginners, similar to a typing exercise in which you only use the home keys. No one who learns to type expects to be limited to the home keys for long, nor should you expect to be limited to formulaic intros and conclusions for long, either.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,335 129  
Apr 20, 2009   #9
That's great insight into the nature of the beast. I think lately in terms of using the conclusion to EXPAND on the thesis... give the implications.

As for the timing of it, I think that no matter what you are introducing, you need to know it first. So, I would never write an intro first.

Some writing needs an outline, and some writing does not. In writing an outline, you set yourself up for a scavenger hunt as you try to find material for every section you promised to write. Sometimes teachers require that.

But I like to do research writing like a painter who tosses paint onto the canvass and makes sense of it later. Themes emerge on their own, without you having to plan them.
MonkeyDDragon 4 / 10  
Apr 20, 2009   #10
Your welcome. It was through experience that I learned not to write the intro first. It's just like when you write a novel. you write the intro after it is completed -- probably.

I think lately in terms of using the conclusion to EXPAND on the thesis... give the implications.

Can you explain more details about those? In first quotation, I see that even the conclusion is writed before the introduction.
However, " using the conclusion to EXPAND on the thesis" just means that thinking of the thesis or do conclude after having the introduction.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,335 129  
Apr 20, 2009   #11
Here is what to do:

Read some articles and see what special ideas they contribute to the topic. Decide if you like those ideas, an write about them. As you write about 5 or 6 or 7 articles, a main THEME will start to form in your mind. Argue it! Argue your idea! When you read a few papers, and write about them, you will have an idea to argue. Argue it.

When you have a few paragraphs that argue it, go back to the top of the page and add an intro. State that argument. Then, perfect the paper, and see how it looks. After you have done that, reflect on what it all means and EXPAND on the argument by talking about what it means that your argument is true.

Tough to explain, but simple when you understand...


Home / Writing Feedback / Career, exploration, travel, home - check these paragaphs