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Career preparation, increasing knowledge and exploring new experiences; why people attend university


BNTien 2 / 2  
Oct 6, 2015   #1
Hello everyone,
I am a new member of this forum. I am improving my writing in order to take an Ielts test. Could you please help to correct my writing?

Thank you very much.
Tien

Herewith my writing:

Topic: In your opinion what is the reasons make people attend university.

Attending the university is the most significant decision in life and people have many reasons to make that decision. In my opinion, there are three most important reasons that are career preparation, increasing knowledge and exploring new experiences.

Firstly, future career preparation is the main reason why people enroll universities. Modern society requires employees advanced their knowledge beside of high school diploma. Most people attend universities because of degrees. After 4-year course they will receive a BA or BS that is a fundamental tool for them to have an initial job. Statistic shows that people have university degree often receive higher pay compares to those only owned high school degrees.

Secondly, during the university time people have such a great time to develop themselves. The subjects they will study are various and advantaged types compare to high school. People read many reference books during the course as well as doing many researches. Fairly says that a university graduated person often has more general knowledge compares to one only completed high school.

Lastly, people explore new experiences during the course. In the beginning, students will learn how think and live independently at least outside of their families. Next, some basic skills for survivor will be improved such as "making friends'' or ''cultivating relationship". After that are plenty of opportunities to travel to new destinations. For instance, I went to Ho Chi Minh city, the biggest city in Vietnam for university and often traveled 2-3 times between this city and my home town every year.

In short, people might enter universities for many personal reasons but I think the most important reasons are future occupation, self-improvement and experiences.

ochio 13 / 10 5  
Oct 6, 2015   #2
Welcome fellow, let me try to correct your essay. I'm a new member too, so I also still need to improve ^^

-In your opinion, what is are the reasons make people attend university.
- there are three most important reasons that aresuch as career preparation, increasing knowledge and exploring new experiences.
- Modern society requires employees advanced their knowledge beside(the word beside is a preposition.It means close to or next to)besides(the preposition 'besides' means in addition to or apart from) of high school diploma

-higher pay(it is better if you choose other words such as wage,salary,income or earnings)
-compares to one who only completed high school.
vangiespen - / 4,137 1449  
Oct 6, 2015   #3
Bui, you present some pretty solid supporting statements in your essay. You also managed to present your thesis restatement in a not so obvious way as it went directly into mentioning the reasons that you believe people attend college. That is good work on your part. It shows that you are able to find similarities between the prompt and your ideas which can help create a more interesting statement.

All 3 of your reasons are sound and easily acceptable as they are all based upon commonly known information and reasons for attending college. However, in the last part of your essay, where you talk about going to Ho Chih Minh, I think you were not able to complete your thought in relation to the new experience that you had while living in the city to attend college. If you can just complete that paragraph, it will be quite useful. Remember, reviewers always consider the personal references in an essay because it further enhances their understanding of your English abilities. If you can understand the question and relate an answer in a simple, if not so grammatically correct response, then you will have passed a big part of the test.

Try not to use a numbering system in your presentation of topics. Just talk about the reasons directly. That way the essay will not seem to come abruptly to an end when you present your last reason going into your concluding statement. The examiner can follow your train of thought very well anyway. All your topics are discussed in a clear manner.

Your conclusion is the weakest part of your essay. It is too short with only one short and one extra long line representing it. A conclusion, like all other parts of your essay, needs to be composed of at least 3 sentences in order to be deemed acceptable. Maybe some simple rephrasing of the conclusion will help fix that problem. Sometimes, all the 3rd sentence needs is a restatement of your position on the topic.
OP BNTien 2 / 2  
Oct 11, 2015   #4
Hello Vangiespen,

Thank you for your comments. And could you please review the last paragraph and conclusion again?

Many thanks,

Tien.

"Lastly, people explore new experiences during the course. In the beginning, students will learn how to think and live independently at least outside of their families. Next, some basic skills for survivor will be improved such as "making friends'' or ''cultivating relationship". After that are plenty of opportunities to travel to new destinations. For instance, students come from a small town to the big city for university often shares the room with other students in school dormitory or outside school campus. Staying together nurtures their friendships, learning skills and cooperation. Apart from family teaches them independence and responsibility. All these experiences play a vital role in their future.

In short, people might enter university for many personal reasons such as occupation, self-improvement and experiences. They would learn some of these factors after the courses. And university lays a foundation stone for students to achieve their future dreams."
vangiespen - / 4,137 1449  
Oct 11, 2015   #5
Tien, the last paragraph before the conclusion has improved tremendously. It really helps to wrap up the essay. The conclusion is also better than the first one you wrote. There are some grammar issues that need to be addressed though in order to better convey your thoughts on paper. Let me get to correcting those parts here:

students will learn how to think and live independently at least outside of their families - This paragraph is stronger with the omission of "at least" because independent thinking should be cultivated in all aspects of a student's life. It is not just meant to cut them off from the decision making factors related to their family. This will be the first time they will be deciding for themselves without needing the approval of their family members. That is a strong statement that has to be made in your essay.

Next, some basic skills for survivor COLLEGE STUDENT SURVIVAL SKILLS ...

students WHO come from a small town to the big city

other students in A school dormitory or outside OFF school campus

LIVING apart from THEIR family teaches them independence and responsibility.

They would learn some of these factors after DURING the courses STAY IN COLLEGE.

And THE university lays a THE foundation AND CORNERstone for students to achieve their future dreams.

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I hope my suggestions have taught you something new :-)


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