IELTS 2 - Career (Both views) - youngsters should be more realistic and think more about the future

Hi everyone, I am aiming for band 7+ in writing, so I have practiced a few topics and uploaded to this forum, thanks so much for your time and assistance!

IELTS Task 2 - Career (Both views)

Some people think that young people should be free to choose their job, but other people think that they should be realistic and think more about their future. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

With more young people struggling to choose their future career, whether or not youngsters should pay more attention to their future when picking their jobs has become a hotly debatable topic. While many believe that freedom should be highly valued when making the decision, others maintain that the top priority should be focused on the consideration of long-term career development. Given that we should have our financial independence and benefit society at large, I strongly believe that the young should be more realistic and think more about the future.

In terms of the noticeable finance burden carried by the young in the modernized world, we have few choices but to face the reality. Instead of wandering in the job markets irrespective of on ones' future, it is our responsibilities to seek a job with clear career trajectory as early as possible in order to get rid of all the bills without concern. For instance, merely renting a small flat in Hong Kong costs more than half of the salary for most blue-collars, not to mention other miscellaneous overheads. If youngsters indulged in the dream of working freely without a meditation on their career prospect, they would be more likely to rely heavily on the financial support of their families. As a result, the constant reliance on the source of money from family without achieving financial independence will narrow the future development of the teenagers.

Regarding the societal benefits, the young things should hesitate no more to make substantial dedication to society after they graduated from colleges. As an example, young scientists can devote themselves in solving real world issues such as AIDS and COVID-19 which have been exerting pernicious influence to humanity worldwide. Young professionals are able to assist in saving untold lives and make the world a better place. Therefore, it will be beneficial to society in the long run if youngsters pay more attention on developing their career.

Having discussed the aforementioned, I reckon that our future pillars of society should not pick on their jobs without a consolidated career planning. This is especially true for the gullible and impressionable youth. As a matter of fact, if the adolescents mapped out their career paths realistically, I am confident that it would enable themselves to accomplish financial independence earlier compared with their counterparts.

Hi, I think you made good points.

However, you might want to relate more to the views of "choose freely" before you elaborate your reasons as to why you do not agree.

For example "I believe that the freedom of choosing our career path is attached to the success rate of taking the path itself.

For example, one might want to be an artist but not having a high chance of success if he takes it." Let me know if this makes sense and help you in any way.

Good luck!!

@twhin
I think there are a few words and terms in your essay that are somewhat informal. "Get rid of" (all the bills)=>"pay", "Hesitate no more"=> "Stop hesitation", "I reckon"=> "I think".

Again with this "hotly debated topic". There is no debate presented in any Task 2 presentation. These are mere opinions for discussion. Additionally, "a hotly debated topic" is already considered a memorized phrase among the test takers. This is the most common phrase used when the student wants to over emphasize a discussion. Therefore, a reference to such must be avoided since it has the ability to lower your TA score.

As this is a point of view comparison essay, you should not be presenting your opinion at the very start of the discussion. That is because the personal opinion discussion is built upon the comparative presentation of reasons in support of each topic. It is a 5 paragraph essay that should have been stated as:

Par. 1: Paraphrase
Par. 2: POV 1 + explanation
Par. 3: POV 2 + explanation
Par. 4: Personal POV + explanation (which of the 2 opinions you support and why)
Par. 5: Concluding paraphrase

As you can see, your essay is missing the concluding paraphrase. Most students make the mistake of presenting their personal opinion as the conclusion of the essay. That leaves you with an open ended discussion, rather than a concluded discussion. So your essay cannot, at this point, achieve your target band mark.