HELP EDIT OR PROOFREAD MY BODY PARAGRAPH OF COLLEGE ESSAY
My topic is on caring for people.
From my experiences, it gave me a mindset of what I can do to use my strengths and weaknesses to spread positivity and that this is what I want to pursue in my future. I want to go into the medical field and help assist, comfort, and treat patients like the janitor in my school. I want to be able to walk into a clinic, hospital, or a pharmacy and bring happiness into them. Helping them in a way where they can trust me and realize that I am there for them can really spread happiness. Not only learning about my identity and my knowledge by my experiences and trying to be that "hero", I know that having the traits that I have can impact the society little at a time. Just as Mr. Freeman Hrabowski, he is a caring person and his commitment level on fighting for his rights interest me tremendously. My commitment to using my strengths and my great traits everyday to spread positivity to others will continue in my life. Having the enjoyment of assisting someone in need is a passion I'd love to pursue.
Hi, your paragraph is a little confusing without reading the first part of your essay. You seem to have a lot of repetition in "positivity" and your reasons seem a little vague. I mean there are many ways to bring positivity into the world, why specifically the medical field? Here are some specific suggestions:
[My experiences] gave me a mindset of [how I can] use my strengths and weaknesses to spread positivity and that ... {this seems pretty broad}
... like the janitor in my school. {I assume you mentioned the janitor in your intro? Otherwise it sounds a bit odd}
... or a pharmacy and bring happiness [with me]. Helping [those suffering] {or another description - it was unclear who "them" is} in a way
... spread happiness. [Besides] learning about my identity ... little at a time. {this sentence is still a little unclear to me} Just as Mr. Freeman Hrabowski, [whose character as] a caring person and his commitment level [in] fighting for his rights interest me tremendously. {this is a little unclear too}
... great traits everyday {two words here - every day} to spread positivity ...
3. >>>>>>>... I am there for them can really "spread" happiness.
In my opinion after can we use modal verb, so spread is more correct.
Hi Annie, WELCOME to the Essay Forum Family, we hope to assist you in your writing by providing you with the most credible and accurate feedback that will help you enhance your essay and hopefully develop a few writing techniques that you will be able to carry on your next writing projects.
Having said that, please find a few suggestions below;
- From mythese experiences,
- do to useshowcase my strengths
- and weaknesses, ( don't forget your punctuation marks )
- to spread positivity and that this is what
- I want to pursue in mythe future.
- and bring happiness in to them.
- them, will definitelycan really spread happiness. - Not only learning about my identity and my knowledge by my experiences and trying to be that "hero",- I believe this particular sentence is uncalled for, so we can go ahead and delete it
- I know that having the traits that I will have can impact to the society, a little step at a time.
- to usingsharing my strengths
- to others will continue in my lifefor so long as I can .
- in need is a passion I'd love toI will definitely pursue.
There you have it Annie, I hope the above remarks are helpful to your revision.Do let us know should you need additional assistance.
