TOPIC: Nowadays there is a growing shift towards cashless transactions. While some people argue in support of a cashless society, claiming that it is beneficial to its citizens, others raise concern about security.
Which side do you personally agree with and why?
ANSWER
In an era that witnesses an explosive development in technology, cashless transactions have established a firm foothold in various countries including developed ones such as Norway and America. Indeed, many people have shown their advocacy of a society in which cash gives place to other means of payments. However, there is still certain opposition against this scenario given security concerns. From my personal perspective, cash-free transfer should be promoted and applied on a large scale.
In the first place, purchasing can be considerably simplified when cash is not required. In the time when online shopping is booming, together with an ever-increasing demand for commercial goods from customers, the need to find a quick, convenient and reliable way of transactions emerges to be prominent. In this case, digital payments such as credit cards and money transfering are definitely fitting alternatives to hard cash due to their versatility and accuracy. To illustrate, there is now no need in having to travel a long distance to original shops or supermarkets, as people can order everything they want within a mouse click, using money-transferring method. This example clearly attests the advantage of this technology-based means of transactions over the traditional cash-only one.
By the same token, a cashless society opens new opportunities for employment and business. In fact, globalization means that people are nowadays not confined within their home nations in their search for jobs, as they can work internationally. By utilizing digitized methods, wages or salaries will be transferred to the employees' accounts and can be used directly without the need of currency exchange at local banks. Home freelancers are a perfect illustration of this point, when they can accept multiple tasks simultaneously and derive abundant income from different sources. Vice versa, cashless transactions also enable local undertakings to expand their market and customers network. Indeed, such retailers as Amazon, Alibaba and IKEA have leveraged this means of transfer to attain a global outreach and become retail tycoons.
Many people cast their doubt on the reasonability of a without-cash world. They state unlawful acts, namely financial frauds and information leakage, as possible spectres to their personal security. However, given the general concerns towards this issue, the majority of banking companies have implemented strict measures regarding the clients' data privacy. Additionally, as users are fully informed of every transactional activities by the banks, they hold the control of their accounts and can report any abnormalities for the sake of safety. In other words, a bilateral relationship will be established between banks and customers, which ensures reliability and security.
In conclusion, I personally support the vista of a cashless world, considering the convenience and career prospects that it can afford. Although it is still a long way to go, I hold a firm belief that cash will be someday totally superseded by more state-of-the-art methods of transaction.
I would be grateful if you can give me a specific score. Thanks!
There is a reminder that you should take a look
Mind your words, the number of words apparently exceeds far more than 250
I suggest you should limit your "idea paragraph" within 5 sentences
The total paragraph should be only four incuding opening and closing paragraph
Hi @Ptp03,
- Your arguments are very persuasive that can pull readers to your side.
- Honestly, I learnt a lot from your wide vocabulary range. Thank you!
There is only 1 problem that I must state: your essay is too long. In IELTS W2, you should only write from 260 to 290 words in order to have sufficient time to write and error-checking. Remember, you only have 40 minutes.
Holt Educational Consultant - / 14,835 
4783 The third reasoning paragraph is unnecessary since you are not being asked to discuss the possible drawbacks, repercussions, or opposite point of view in the essay. That is the reason why you over discussed the topic and ended up with an extremely long essay. Though informative and on track with its defense of your point of view, you should not be presenting information that is not required in the essay.
If you add information that isn't part of the original prompt, you end up creating a prompt deviation which sends your essay into non required territory. It does not add to your score. Instead, it could create points deductions because you altered the prompt discussion topic from the original. It is always best for you to stick to the given topic only. Make sure to check the prompt requirements after you draft your essay so that you an delete the parts that do not matter or are not required in the discussion.
There are several errors in your essay that prevents me from giving you a score this time. I normally don't score essays at first because I need to familiarize myself with your writing style and shortcomings in writing. I always give the student a chance to correct his errors before I come to a possible score using the 2nd essay. I hope you don't mind that policy of mine. Anyway, on to your errors:
Spelling:
transfering - transferring
Grammar:
Transactional activities - activity (Banks inform per transaction to it is a singular reference)
Clarity:
State of the art - ultramodern (use more current vocabulary whenever possible)
In an era that witnesses... - In an era that sees
purchasing - buying
By utilizing - using
Conciseness:
considerably simplified - simplified (remove terms of uncertainty in an opinion essay)
definitely fitting - fitting ( be precise in your presentation)
possible spectres - spectres
the majority of banking companies - most banking ...
Clarity:
not required - not needed
Punctuation:
frauds, and - the comma adds clarity and separation to the statement
convenient , and
Vocabulary
different sources - various sources ( use better adjectives for more impact to your writing and presentation)
