Castin Characters #1: Jim

HI people, this is newsha. we have an assignment for creative writing class we should describe five characters in a scene. this is the first one; Jim. I was inspired by the character of Jim in "the office". so, yeah...you will know.

plz be as critic as you can.
thanks you guys.

Character #1: Jim

History class, last period of the Friday; unlike other days no one was falling asleep. I was nervous, waiting for the teacher to give me a chance to talk to Jim. As soon as the teacher turned her back to us, I spanned in my seat to face Jim.

"Dude! This is SO wrong!" I gasped, but he didn't notice me for he was too involved in his cell phone.
"Jim?" I called him angrily. "Huh?"He finally noticed me. "What is it?" he said when he saw my serious look. "I think you shouldn't do this. We shouldn't..." he stopped me by raising his hand, he continued my words: "We shouldn't do this, right? That's what you wanna say? We already talked about this with the whole class: No one has the freaking assignment ready. If she checks it we are all going to fail."

"I know...But is this worth it?" I asked. "We would never know until we don't do it, right?" he said, raising his eyebrows, putting a smile on; like any other time that he wanted you to admit his rightness. "What if you get caught?" I whispered nervously. "They won't. I'm sending it via Bluetooth." He replied. "What if they do?" I insisted. He didn't reply, just stared at me for a few seconds and then threw his shoulders up, meaning "I don't know" or in Jim's words "Who cares?"

I seated back anxiously, chewing on my nails. five minutes later the teacher's cell phone rang. I held my breath in, and I could swear that everybody else's breath was held in too. The teacher stopped and looked at her purse confusingly. "I'm so sorry people, I think I forgot to turn it off. Sorry." She rushed to her desk, reaching her purse as soon as she could. she pulled out the cell phone..."Yes! She is looking at it. I knew she would!" Jim murmured behind me. "shhhhh!" I said, kicking his foot under the desk. I looked back at my teacher; her face was now chalk white. "Oh my God!" she gasped, putting her hand on her chest. The phony whispers of "is everything ok?" and "what's wrong?" soon were all over the class - some filthy irony; we were the ones who knew what was wrong. When the teacher gained enough control over her voice she said: "I...I just got a text...my...my son has had an accident. It's from his friend." She didn't say anything else; she just grabbed her purse and ran out of the class room.

As soon as the door closed behind her, the class burst into whispers, this time I knew they were on Jim, blaming on him for what they have wanted him to do. "Is that what you wanted? Believe me; you would be lucky if these kids don't tell on you." I said furiously. Jim looked around, not the slightest worrying sign in his face; looking back at me again he threw his shoulders up again: "Who cares, huh?"

Some corrections:

History class, last period on a Friday

I spun in my seat to face him.

"What if you get caught?" I whispered nervously. "I won't. I'm sending it via Bluetooth." he replied. "What if you do?" I insisted.

I sat back anxiously

Not the slightestsign of worry on his face

With your opening, I see how you are trying to set the scene... better to ...

History class, last period on Friday, and it was an unusual day, because no one was falling asleep.

Just my thought about it. Your way is cool...


This part... I think the tone of the essay is more compatible with ...didn't notice me because he...

"What if they catch you ?" I whispered nervously. "They won't.

Ha ha, this is very entertaining, and that goes a long way. You are charismatic.

Oh, I see good corrections by Tyler. Okay, try revisiting it and making it better. Make it the way that feels right to you.

Thanks you guys. :)

Each time a new person speaks, you should create a new paragraph. This makes it easier for the reader to keep track of the conversation. Apart from that, the essay is good -- I especially like Jim's prank; it's particularly horrible, morally speaking, yet also completely effective at achieving his goal.

lol yeah true. now tell you what, i know that one of my classmates has really done this to her teacher once... well she achieved her goal too. but it was so not worth it. :P

Well, yes, most morally horrible things are not worth it in the end. That, of course, is why people develop moral codes that most of us stick to most of the time. Still, the idea is hilarious, even if the actual act is a tad reprehensible.

haha yeah i know sean...thats kinda smart too.