Can some one pls rate my essay and help review it for me? Thanks in advance :)
It all started from one brick.
2014
It stands proudly at five metres tall. Its grandiose sight meeting the eye as it did six years ago. The very same paper roll wrapped around the towering figure still in its exactly same position. The nostalgic feeling in the air tempts me to enter my haven one final time, and though my overgrown legs may find that difficult, my gut tells me otherwise.
2008
The first brick is always the trickiest, as there are many tempting places to place it, but only one that will make the cut. The third and fourth are more of a challenge as they will decide the direction i tend to proceed in. The next are tie breakers; those are the bricks that will dictate my success, either making or breaking my castle, with the whole structure to be based upon them. i feel their whole weight squeezing my body to the ground, with the choking dusty smell of the pilows enticing me to let go, as i carry them on to place them at the right spot. Soon enough, i am faced with the last bricks. The bricks that will top off my castle brilliantly, or else usher its demise. My mind is on the brink of explosion, my body on the brink of collapsing, the fragile case i am dealing with making this case all the more stressful, but in a quick rush of adrenaline, and one deep gasp for air, i let go.
Suddenly, I sense something different in the walls surrounding me. The room is definitey dimmer. The space around me is also clearly smaller, and the ceiling a couple of feet closer to my head. I am not in my room nor am i at home. I am at two different places at the same time. My body is at my castle, my mind at a peaceful place far from earth. I continue my paths along the hall of my castle, as i take some glances at the delicately placed walls around me, each symbolising my sweat and work. The result is surely worth it though; The result of having A castle that would stand by my side, to hear all my secrets for the next five years of my life. Slowly yet surely it would grow into my familys everyday life. It was no longer an anomily in the house, as its presence was now synonymous with mine. Its The serenity id sense floating around this place pushing me further and further out from everday life. Around me now was a world of a different texture and feel. The stingy coldness of our universe was overcome by the warmth i felt inside my own castle. The noisy nature of life standing outside the doors of my castle, so clearly contrasting with the peacefullness behind those gates.
2014
I leave my castle one final time to find myself pulled back to where it all began, the first brick next to the gate. I gaze half heartedly at prepossessing castle where i have managed to find inner peace and calm, before i try to gather up the strength to take it down. I leave no signs of remorse though as the time is right to embark on new pastures. I know My first brick will once again be the trickiest, but i am ready. It is in my hands now, and i am most definitely prepared from my experiences.
And surely The last brick will be the most rewarding.
KM, I can see that you are trying to go for an abstract description of the place where you feel comfortable in. Unfortunately, the creative writing method fails because you have divided the essay into years rather than simply giving us an abstract description of a single place in time. If you want to discuss your body as your castle and thus, the place where you feel most comfortable in, then do so. Concentrate on discussing your body in the abstract manner that you have started. Don't confuse the reader with the laying of bricks and other actions that take away from the focus of your body being your castle. You do not want the reader, the admission officer to be specific, to get confused about where you really feel comfortable and why. You need to focus your essay on only place and then develop all of your discussion and explanations around that particular place. right now, the essay tends to get lost in translation and the reader can lose his place because of the structure of the essay. Try to concentrate on that moment when you felt your body was your castle and discuss why that is so. It does not help your essay in any way to talk about the physical castle you were trying to build because that was not really the place that you felt comfortable in. It just takes up space on the page but does not help your narrative along.
