Unanswered [9] | Urgent [0]

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 7

IELTS TASK 2 Cause and effect. Topic: Crime and safety in a society

Trista5577 1 / 1  
Apr 23, 2017   #1
Please offer me assistance with my essay to get IELTS score 6.0. I have done IELTS three time with writing score.5.5 .I desperately need help for my writing.Thank you very much!

Topic: Some people feel unsafe when they are at home and in public. What are some possible causes of this and what are some possible solutions?

increased fear from crime and disaster

Currently,personal safety has become a popular issue in our society. In this essay, the reasons will be described and suggestions will be provided.

To beginning with,the feeling of danger could caused by high crime rate. When criminal activities are common in a society, no one will feel safe and be protected.For example, if you were living in a place that murder, rapes, robbery are always happened.Would you still sit in office and back home until late? Definitely not.Moreover, natural disaster is another concernable reason.Natural disaster brings a serious lost for human life and their properties. Such as earthquake can destroy building, highway etc.

Nevertheless,there are some advice that can make people fell safety. One of the recommendations is; develop a trained police force.By reducing crime rate, trained police force and a fair legal system is necessary.It rapidly increase the cost of taking part in criminal activities.Likewise,good city planning and special construction structure can minimise the lost from natural disasters.Some special materials can be added at the bottom of building; it absorbs energies when the ground moved.On the other hand,life saving is playing another important role after disaster happened. A well-trained and fully-equipped first-aid team can save people life after serious natural disaster happened. It makes commonly believe that their life are protected by trusted life saving guards.For instance, earthquake is always happen in Japan.However,most of Japanese still prefer to stay in their country because they have professional life-saving guards can protect them when earthquake happen.

In summary, the fear from crime and disaster can be countered by professional police team and rescue team, but also a fair judgment and well-designed disaster-proofed buildings.
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 15043 4827  
Apr 23, 2017   #2
Her, there are two main problems with your essay that cause you to never reach your desired bandwith. The first problem, is the horrible English sentence construction which shows a lack of ability to formulate coherent and cohesive English sentences. The second problem, is that you have a tendency to deviate from the prompt topic provided in your discussion. The topic is all about crime and yet your essay included a discussion of natural calamities and disasters as one of its paragraphs. Prompt deviations are a definite mark down in the overall consideration.

The areas where you score the lowest, due to the observations previously made, are in the TA, C&C, and GRA sections. Since these 3 sections are pulled down to an average score of about 4 for each, your increased score is located only in the LR area, which is why you can possible gain a 5.5 in the final tally.

In order to improve your score, you must learn to stick to the prompt discussion, improve your sentence structure and grammar skills, and also, be more aware of the proper tense usage in sentences. By the way, there is a flawed line of reasoning in this essay. You say that the police force needs to be well trained. It is always assumed, in any country, that the police force is amply trained and can respond to any crime that is reported or in progress. Therefore, it is not correct for you to assume that it is the police force that causes the problems. Talk about the crime rate instead. What causes crimes? Poverty, mental illness, uncontrollable circumstances, the list of reasons are endless. How can it be prevented? Discuss how a person can protect himself from being a victim of crime. Purchasing pepper spray for personal protection, using cellphones to keep their loved ones informed or call for help, going home early... Think about how you would protect yourself and present that in the essay.
TogepiLinhVuu 1 / 2  
Apr 23, 2017   #3
I have some comments below:
"You", etc., questions should not be used in an Ielts writing.
There are some grammar mistakes:
-the feeling of danger could caused by high crime rate. ->... could be caused by ...
-Such as earthquake can destroy building, highway etc. -> to begin an example, "For example," should be used instead of "such as"
-you should pay attention to subject-verb agreement.
OP Trista5577 1 / 1  
Apr 23, 2017   #4
Thanks for your valuable feedback!
Selaf 1 / 3  
Apr 23, 2017   #5
For example:
1.So great is a series problems of public security that the public are becoming increasingly aware of its impact. instead of 'Currently,personal safety has become a popular issue in our society.'

2.The high crime rate is always associated with unsafe feeling. instead of just using 'cause'
mandyduong 4 / 9  
Apr 23, 2017   #6
Hi, I think I made similar issues when I first started writing essays, so practice makes perfect.
For your writing, I think you have some problems with usage of word: e.g popular (it's for positive things) so you can use common instead. Also, you always need to provide "full sentences" (which basically offers a VERB): e.g. such as earthquake... It's not a completed sentence. S+V agreement is also something you need to work on as you make quite a lot tenses mistakes.

Again, don't feel down but practice more and more. Good luck!
Anhy chan 12 / 23 1  
Apr 25, 2017   #7
Hi @Trista5577 , I have read your essay closely. Therefore, there are several suggestions to make your essay more powerfull.
1. In my point of view, your introduction still lack to cover all the question need. You just state the hook without connecting with the main question. This will be effect on your task response.

2. You may explain in introduction sentence about what the defenition of unsefe feeling it self, so there are a clear limitation for your supporting sentence that you will explain in body paragraph.

3. In your conclussion, it seems to me that you do not make the conclussion based on the prompt. It is better to make attractive conclussion with answered the question in another word formation. This is important to make the reader understand about your idea with just read your introduction and your conclussion.

Overall, I believe that you can make it better in the next writing .
Break a leg!

Home / Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2 Cause and effect. Topic: Crime and safety in a society
Do You Need
Academic Writing
or Editing Help?
Fill in one of the forms below to get professional help with your assignments:

Graduate Writing / Editing:
GraduateWriter form ◳

Best Essay Service:
CustomPapers form ◳

Excellence in Editing:
Rose Editing ◳

AI-Paper Rewriting:
Robot Rewrite ◳