Unanswered [6] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 5

IELTS task 2: Cause and Solution to extinction of wild animals


vuthuylinh2611 19 / 61 1  
Apr 24, 2020   #1

extinct or endangered species



Topic: More and more wild animals are on the verge of extinction and others are on the endangered list. What are the reasons for this? What can be done to solve this problem?

The number of species becoming extinct or endangered is increasing rapidly due to over-hunting by human. To tackle this problem, governments should enforce laws on protecting wild-life.

Excessive hunting is endangering many wild animals. People use wild animal as material to produce luxurious products which are highly profitable. The huge amount of money earned from selling these products urged poachers to kill a massive number of wild animals without caring about environmental effects. The result is that many wild species disappeared forever and many others are at risk of vanishing. For example, a huge number of Indochinese Tigers have been killed for their skin to make clothes and their bone to be used as medicine. After being hunted for many years, this species have been pushed the edge of extinction in Indochina area.

To conserve natural animals, authorities should establish and strictly enforce laws and regulations on conserving wild-life. This can be done by issuing bans on hunting, fishing and trading of wild animals; forming conservation area and establishing ranger forces. Any violation of these laws must be seriously punished to create a deterring effect in the society. These solutions will enable wild animals to live and breed in their natural habitat and increase in number again. In Vietnam, killing and trading tigers is illegal. Anyone who goes against this rule can be sentenced many years in prison. The strict enforcement of the law created a safe environment for the remaining tigers to live and reduce the risk of extinction.

In conclusion, wild animals are being put in dangerous situations because human are killing them to satisfy their greed. It is only when governments issued strict regulations on protecting wild species can the number of wild creatures stop decreasing.

I would appreciate all your comments on any mistake and ways to make my writing better. Thank you very much

Hafsa257 7 / 21  
Apr 24, 2020   #2
Your essay is good and to the point. Your mistake that I noticed was the way you wrote your essay. I think it was a little harsh. You are writing an essay and not trying to win an election. It's good to be strong in your essay to grab reader's attention but try not to make it sound like you are declaring war. And please do not take my words to the heart if you felt that I was being rude.
OP vuthuylinh2611 19 / 61 1  
Apr 24, 2020   #3
@Hafsa257
Thank you very much for your comments. I never consider any contributive comments like yours as rude. In fact, what I am seeking for in this forum are strict criticisms in order to improve my skills so please don't hesitate to say what you think in my threads. I welcome all your comments as well as all those from all other members of this forum.
Holt [Contributor] - / 9,293 2855  
Apr 25, 2020   #4
Read the prompt. How many sentences are there? 3 right? Every sentence needs to be represented in the paraphrase. Not just the response to the questions. Offer:

- The topic
- Response 1
- Response 2
- Response 3

Your format is incorrect. The essay asks you to discuss reasons, so you should be presenting a 3 reasoning paragraph based on:

- Cause 1 with transition sentence for Cause 2
- Cause 2 with transition sentence for the integrated solution suggestion
- Explanation of the integrated solution suggestion

Limit yourself to 5 sentences as per the standard format requirement of the essay presentation. You are only jabbering away, trying to impress the examiner with your knowledge of English language. He is more interested in how you can explain yourself in a fast, short, but accurate manner. Long essays will never get a high score. A comprehensive and not over thought essay presentation will increase your score.

You must present more than one reason because the prompt asks for the plural of reason (reasons) but asks for only one solution. The reasons must be related because you are only allowed one solution presentation. The solution must be useful for 2 scenarios. The essay is forcing you to analyze the topic and discussion. It is not asking you to just keep on typing. Consider the instruction requirements at all times. Fail to do that and you miss out on the real methods of increasing your score.

Analyze the essay. Don't just focus on your word count. A well explained essay is always going to be better off than a long winded essay.
hangvu248 2 / 4  
May 1, 2020   #5
I think in general, you've done quite a good job. Just some minor problems I think you can work on to better your essay:

1. The second body paragraph seems a little bit too short. Try to make it around 5 sentences as Holt has suggested. Giving examples is a useful tip to expand the essay that you can consider.

2. The topic sentence of the Solution paragraph is not a really good one. The next sentence, however, can be a better topic sentence since it goes straight into the topic you're going to discuss with a mini outline given in the end.

As for the conclusion, I think it is totally fine to have 2 sentences instead of 3 as long as you have summarized all the main points in your essay.

Hope you'll find this comment useful :>>


Home / Writing Feedback / IELTS task 2: Cause and Solution to extinction of wild animals